Georgetown Athletics Makes Huge Comeback: Football Player Raises Hand in Intro Spanish
By Antipope Innocent III
Even in the off-season, Georgetown Football is on the up…the only direction they can go at this point. The first three quarters, the Hoyas were quiet and did not make too much of a splash on the scoreboard. Then, all of a sudden, quarterback Richard D. made a buzzer beater play (this football-speak was verified […]
4202024: Ways YOU Can Start Preparing for Palindrome 4/20 NOW
By Doña Inés de Asbaje Ramirez de Santillana
1. First and foremost, it’s important to make sure that you’re smoking palindrome weed. Some notable strains include, “Pink Nip,” “Faded AF,” and “Evil Olive.” You can buy some using our 20% off discount code “ANAUJIRAM!” 2. Only true experts know this, but by reversing your joint, i.e., placing the lit end in your mouth, […]
Opinion: You Should Join the U.S. Armed Forces
By Ezra PP Starkweather
Hey, this is Sgt. Loser contacting you from the U.S. Army Career Center. My role is to ensure civilians like yourself are aware of the benefits of enlisting in the U.S. Army, and your school district is part of my AOR (Area of Operation). Look, I know it’s been four years since you gave me […]
Jeremy From the SFS Has ‘Something to Say’ About the Sticker on Your Water Bottle
By Carolina Edgecumb
The Worst Person You Know Just Got Into Infographics: What This Means for Your Already Declining Mental Health
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT
Schlong Schlip: Jesus Is Bricked up Under That Tiny Piece of Cloth
By Antipope Innocent III
As a Jesuit institution, a miniature model of the crucified Jesus hangs on the classroom walls. But what’s not so miniature is Jesus’s erection looming over the college students who are simply just trying to learn. Sherry takes stats in Walsh 394, and she said: “It’s just so distracting. I try to pay attention to […]
Cool Guy Comfortable With His Sexuality Actually Attaches Key Chain to His Belt!
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT
This cool guy does many cool things! Here are some cool things that he does that make him cool. 1. He’s read Lolita, “for the language”! 2. He does poppers! 3. He hand-steeps his tea, in a Smeg press! 4. He took one (1) gender studies class, but he already knew all that stuff anyway! […]
Between a Rock and a Hard Place: Should I Enter My Home Through the Back Door Where All the Rats Are, or the Front Door Where I Can See My Neighbor Jerkin’ It in the Window?
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq.
In the wee hours of the morning, lit up by the hazy orange lights of Burleith, I ponder the deep questions of my life: what if my youth is flying past me as I try to grasp it like smoke in the air? What if my tummy hurts because I didn’t get enough fiber today? […]