Crystal Rigney, head of the BCA, called the plan “absurd and disrespectful to the community,” saying that University officials should have consulted with her organization before deciding to extend the University’s 222-year history for another five years.

“The University has once again shown an incredible lack of regard for the community in its unilateral decision to continue existing for another five years,” declared Rigney. “This institution has exploited our downtrodden neighborhood for far too long, and this latest decision is just too much.”

Previous versions of the Campus Plan have been criticized by neighborhood residents for proposals to create more off-campus student housing, expand parking at the University Hospital, and increase enrollment. However, opposition to the Campus Plan’s latest addition has been especially fierce, as many neighborhood residents purchased homes in the area under the assumption that the 4,305,264 square-foot University would not be a permanent fixture in the neighborhood.

“The University has no right to do this,” said local resident Frank Mitchell, whose three children are tutored in mathematics, English, and chemistry by Georgetown students. “All this University does is take and take from the community, and it has to stop.”

Chief among many residents’ concerns is the number of parties held by University students, with Mitchell explaining that loud weekend parties were “not what he signed up for” when he made the conscious decision to live in the vicinity of the 15,000 student university.

Seeking to forge a compromise with University officials, the BCA has presented a variety of alternatives to the University maintaining a physical presence in the Georgetown neighborhood, including relocating the University to a more “ethnic” part of the District of Columbia; constructing an underground campus accessible only by a complex system of tunnels; and demolishing the University and crafting an elaborate computer system able to simulate the reality of an actual university, a la the Matrix trilogy.

“I’ve lived in this area for fifteen years now. I’ve spoken to a lot of other residents, and we just want our neighborhood back,” said Rigney at a recent BCA meeting, addressing officials representing a university that has existed for more than two centuries.

University officials have attempted to compromise with neighborhood organizations on previous disputes, but have held their ground in this latest conflict, maintaining that the physical existence of the University is critical to its continued success. At a BCA meeting last week, a visibly frustrated Todd Olson, Georgetown’s Vice-President of Student Affairs, attempted to patiently explain to BCA leaders, including Rigney, that the University would not be relocating its 104-acre, 64-building campus in the near future.

“Georgetown University has a proud history of cooperating with neighborhood residents, and we look forward to continuing this strong relationship,” said Olson in his prepared statement. “However, we do not believe that relocating our university, which has graduated 23 Rhodes Scholars, a Supreme Court Justice, and the 42^nd fucking President of the United States, is an option that is either feasible or desirable.”

After reading from his prepared statement, Olson calmly sat back down, waited for Rigney to turn her back to him, and then proceeded to raise his two middle fingers in her direction.

Humphrey, after experiencing an unsatisfactory meal at the Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall, spent several hours crafting a status that would impress his Facebook friends, and hopefully earn him real friends. The sprawling final product managed to reference the works of German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche, the cult television series Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the entire discography of popular indie rock band Animal Collective, while also demonstrating his pithiness and profound mastery of sarcasm.

Humphrey’s most recent status marks the latest in a string of Facebook failures, including an instance in which Humphrey posted a link to a YouTube video of kittens dressed up as US Presidents, only to discover that the 16 “likes” were from people who did not appreciate the video on the same ironic level that he did.

CHICAGO–At a press conference on Friday, Phusion Projects, the producer of the popular alcoholic energy drink “Four Loko,” announced plans to introduce a new version of the drink that is free of alcohol, caffeine, and calories.

“We recognize that consumers value Four Loko for its cool, crisp taste, not its alcoholic or stimulatory properties,” said Phusion CEO Derrick Mintz. “We’re confident that our new product will do just as well as the old one.”

Phusion’s new drink, called “Four Loko Lite,” is composed of fresh spring water, infused with the bitter, acrid aftertaste that made the original drink so popular.

Throughout the presentation, Mintz explained how consumers were initially drawn to Four Loko for its low price, great taste, and convenient packaging, traits that Phusion intends to carry over into  Four Loko Lite.

“With Loko Lite, you’re still getting all of the things that made the original Four Loko so appealing,” said Mintz, “Obviously, it was inconvenient to have to remove the alcohol and caffeine, but it’s not like people were buying Four Lokos specifically because of those two ingredients.”

Later in the press conference, Vice-President of Operations Ryan Beeson explained how Phusion, from a business standpoint, would actually benefit from Four Loko Lite’s lack of alcohol, caffeine, or calories.

“This reformulation is a blessing in disguise for Phusion, and for Loko-lovers everywhere,” proclaimed Beeson. “Since it has no alcohol, we can now target Four Loko to the under-21 demographic, which we have had to ignore for so long.”

Beeson then pulled out a can of Four Loko Lite and announced, “Get ready, college students of America! Four Loko Lite is ready to rock your world!”

Marketing Director Will Hatfield struck a similarly optimistic tone, saying that, ultimately, Four Loko’s fresh taste would allow it to overcome a reformulation.

“If there’s one thing that the incredible sales of the original Four Loko proves, it’s that Americans love high-quality, great-tasting beverages,” declared Hatfield. “I mean, we’re talking about a drink so great-tasting that people were drinking themselves to death with it. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, then I don’t know what is.”

Additionally, Phusion executives have expressed hope that Four Loko Lite’s calorie-free nature will entrench the drink as a workout staple and potential diet tool. The new “Blitz” flavor is targeted towards gym patrons, with an aftertaste designed to remind gym-goers of the sweat and toxins that they are purging from their bodies with exercise.

The introduction of Four Loko Lite comes in response to a recent ban of Four Loko by the Food and Drug Administration. The ban was issued after an FDA investigation deemed the caffeine in Four Loko to be  an “unsafe food additive,” and ruled that the drink cannot continue to be sold in its current form.

When asked how the FDA ban on the original Four Loko will affect the Georgetown campus party scene, student Harry Arias (COL ‘12) shrugged, and then proceeded to pour a can of Red Bull into a handle of vodka.

The t-shirts were the idea of spunky fraternity president Mark Mezza (MSB ‘11), who thought it’d be “super-duper cool” if the entire B-Frat got together and made t-shirts that they could sell to people and even make a little bit of money off of, just like their mommies and daddies.

After coming up with this dandy little idea, Mezza went to a local Target and bought a whole buncha white t-shirts, which he thought would be “neato,” as they would allow the B-Frat members to “be really creative and stuff.”

Once the t-shirts were procured, the whole entire B-Frat met at Mezza’s Village A apartment, where they used glitter, paint, and Crayola markers to create t-shirts just like the ones that real people wear.

“This one’s of me with a Velociraptor,” said B-Frat member Glenn Foltz (MSB ‘12), beaming as he held up a t-shirt with a stick-figure and a misshapen figure that was probably supposed to be a dinosaur.

The t-shirts are currently on sale for $65 at Leavey Center.

The backup plan’s success was demonstrated following the discovery of a drug lab on Harbin’s 9th floor, an event that required the evacuation of the hall’s residents. When the residence hall’s fire alarms proved inactive, DPS officials were prepared with a response.

“We didn’t get too worried when we realized that none of the fire alarms were working,” said DPS Official Wallace Mitchell.  “We simply ordered our officers to enter the building and calmly and efficiently instruct its residents to ‘GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER OH GOD OH GOD JUST GET OUT DON’T CATCH ON FIRE DEAR GOD GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE.’”

Though there was ultimately little threat of fire, officials saw the successful evacuation as proof of their complex plan’s ability to initiate a safe and orderly evacuation in the absence of fire alarms.

“Pretty much everyone probably got out eventually,” said Mitchell.

The plan represents the conclusion of years of intensive study by DPS researchers into the safest way to avoid fire-related death or injury.

“Study after study has shown that there is only one way to completely eliminate the risks to human life associated with fire and that is to not catch on fire,” said Director of Public Safety Sean Kamper.  “As a result, we have worked tirelessly to design a plan that makes sure students are aware that they should not catch not fire in case the fire alarms once again malfunction.”

Implementation of this plan has seen signs posted around campus buildings educating students as to what a fire might look like and, if one is spotted, instructing them to not walk directly into it.

Though some students complained that the new backup plan came at the expense of increased attention to fire alarm and extinguisher maintenance, officials dismissed their complaints as shortsighted.

“We’re still focused on that stuff or whatever,” said Kamper, “and besides, once our students get good enough at not catching on fire we won’t even need fire alarms anymore.”

In a move that sent shockwaves through GUTV management, Rippeon, GUTV’s sole viewer, spent last Tuesday night watching an hour-long episode of Glee instead of GUTV’s scheduled programming.

The switch marked the sudden end of a fruitful two semester-long relationship between GUTV and its once-loyal viewer.

Following last semester’s discovery that Rippeon was the only Georgetown student currently enjoying GUTV’s programming, the station’s programming board immediately set to work creating content tailored specifically to appeal to its viewing audience’s interests.

Among the resulting shows aired by GUTV this past spring were Fun Times With Aristotle, a program featuring a graduate student explaining critical parts of Rippeon’s philosophy readings; Dorm Cookin’ Made Easy, a food show highlighting convenient recipes for Rippeon’s favorite brand of macaroni and cheese; and Beautiful Geisha Happy Smile Sexytime Hour, a syndicated, pornographic Japanese soap opera that Rippeon had previously been downloading from the Internet.

“For a while, it went really well,” says Blake Sorensen (COL ’11), GUTV’s General Manager. “We just really tried to aim at Darren with everything that we put on the air, and it eventually paid off in a big way. From March to May, our weeknight programming was being watched by 100% of our target audience.”

The relationship’s initial success, however, only heightened the shock of losing their most-dedicated viewer.

“No one saw this coming,” says Sarah Milton (COL’11), GUTV’s Programming Director. “It makes no sense why our target audience would just abandon us like that. I mean, we analyzed his viewing patterns, we focus grouped him, we hacked into his computer and checked his YouTube viewing history…what else could we do?”

“You think that we want to air a show that’s just a staffer reading out stolen answers from an Econ exam that Darren is taking next week?” asked Milton, referring to Next Week’s Econ Answers, a program that debuted last March to rave reviews from Rippeon.  “That’s airtime we could be using for something normal like JesRes: The Sitcom.

Despite GUTV’s plummeting ratings, which have slid from a record-high .00014% share of the undergraduate student body to a lagging 0% share, Sorensen maintained that the foundations of the network’s programming remain strong.

“Hey, we have to look on the bright side of things here,” said Sorensen. “I mean, we actually had someone watching our shows for a while. That’s not something that every GUTV General Manager gets to say. And, hey, if we keep working at it, maybe we’ll even have two viewers someday. How cool would that be?”

“We’ll just have to re-focus our efforts, and hopefully develop something that Darren finds appealing,” Sorensen continued. “We have a great concept for a show about hilarious things that freshmen do. He’d probably like that, right? Who wouldn’t like a show about that?”

When asked what sort of programming might lure him back to GUTV, Rippeon explained that he only watches Glee because Lea Michele, who plays lead character Rachel Berry, is “totally hot.”

“Do you think GUTV could get her to make a guest appearance on Sexytime Hour?” asked Rippeon.

Bradley Cooper (COL' 97)

Citing its overwhelming success and the ever-increasing vapidity of the Georgetown student body, the Georgetown Lecture Fund announced Friday that its lecture lineup for the 2010-2011 would consist solely of appearances by well-known actor and former Hoya Bradley Cooper (COL ’97).

“We were really excited and emotionally validated by the student response to Bradley’s lecture,” said Gregory Patel, the chair of the Lecture Fund, tripping over Cooper’s first name in a forced and transparent ruse of familiarity.  “The Lecture Fund was established to enrich Georgetown by bringing insightful and enlightening speakers into the intellectual conversation on campus, and a lineup consisting solely of appearances by the esteemed Bradley Cooper represents the ultimate realization of this goal.”

Cooper, best known for his roles in The Hangover and Wedding Crashers, last appeared on campus this past September, where he gave a brief speech on his experience at Georgetown followed by a question and answer session.  While several students took advantage of the opportunity of academic dialogue to solicit Cooper for hugs, articles of clothing, and the eternal spiritual bond of marriage, many felt slighted by their limited exposure to the “piercing-eyed” actor.

“I really tried as hard as I could, but I could only get a little bit of his hair and what I think is the top part of his ear,” bemoaned Katherine Hayes (COL 11), “it’s barely big enough to string on a necklace.”

“Feedback regarding our event told us that there just wasn’t enough Bradley Cooper to go around,” said Patel.  “Our aim with this new Cooper-centric schedule is to give everyone an equal opportunity to come into intimate intellectual or physical contact with [Cooper], or at the very least verbally abuse him from a short distance. It’s this kind of responsiveness to student body that has made the Lecture Fund so wildly, wildly popular.”

The number of appearances this year has yet to be determined, Patel says the number will be “around 12-15.”  The talks will be of various formats, from traditional lectures to town halls to “teatimes,” where students will have the opportunity to embarrass themselves while simultaneously harassing Cooper in a more intimate setting.

Not all celebrated the announcement, however.

“Honestly, I don’t give a damn anymore,” said Kathryn Kay, the Fund’s staff advisor, “These kids obviously don’t understand or care about any of the goals the administration had in mind when they set aside the funding for this group.  Fuck it. I’m done.”

Patel disagreed, pointing to the long list of luminaries the organization has brought to campus since its founding.

“We’ve had Condoleeza Rice, Michael Bloomberg, Ron Paul, McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner,” said Patel. “Plus I think we might be able to get that Justin Bieber guy next.”

Kyle Fitzpatrick (SFS '14)

DARNALL–Merely one week after being named the College Democrats’ Darnall Hall Dorm Captain for 2010-11, sources indicate that freshman Kyle Fitzpatrick (SFS ‘14) has already let the job’s minimal power and responsibilities go to his head.

Though his role as dorm captain leaves Fitzpatrick in charge of little more than putting up widely ignored flyers and planning poorly attended social events, the freshman’s recent behavior has seen him exaggerate and abuse his non-existent power.

Late Monday afternoon saw Fitzpatrick call yet another one of his sparsely-attended press conferences at a podium installed outside of his first floor dorm room.  Clad in a flowing, imperial-style robe and golden diadem, Fitzpatrick methodically went through a PowerPoint presentation outlining his “48-Point Plan” for turning Darnall into a “Fitzpatrick-style” Democratic stronghold by winter break.

“This great hall represents merely the first brick upon which a decades-long majority shall be built,” said Fitzpatrick in a speech addressed to “the American People.” “I have been handed a monumental responsibility, and I intend to execute my plan in manner that shall not soon be forgotten,” he added, majestically raising his arms to welcome

Fitzpatrick has reportedly already moved to undermine the other two Dorm Captains assigned to Darnall, seeking to consolidate his grip on the College Dems’ dorm empire.

“Yeah, he’s been leaving these weird, threatening messages on my voicemail for, like, the past week,” says Lizzie Ford (COL ‘14), one of the Darnall Dorm Captains that Fitzpatrick is trying to undermine the scant power of. “Do you know why? Oh, shit, seriously? College Dems? Fuck, I totally forgot I was Dorm Captain. Is there a meeting this week? No? Okay, good.”

When asked to comment, Mitchell Stevens (COL ‘12), President of the Georgetown College Democrats, insisted that his organization’s leadership had no idea that Fitzpatrick would conduct himself in a way befitting someone with real, tangible power. “We just gave him the position because we needed three Captains for Darnal, and only three kids applied. We had no idea he would take this so seriously. I don’t even take my job seriously.”

Added Stevens, “Although, to be honest, I started to worry a little bit when he came to the leadership meeting and kept asking me to grant him an unlimited term length.”

Beyond simply attempting to expand his power, however, Fitzpatrick also has begun to abuse his few actual responsibilities. In addition to demanding the voting, educational, and medical records of all students under his ever-increasing power, reports indicate that Fitzpatrick has been embezzling College Dems funds, diverting $10 intended for sodas for an upcoming common room event to commission a portrait of himself in full ceremonial dress.

Henry Glassman (COL ‘14), Fitzpatrick’s roommate, is not surprised by his roommate’s behavior.

“This has happened before,” explains Glassman. “He plays on my flag football team, and whenever we practice, he’s always trying to get me to lead a coup against our starting quarterback. After a while, it just gets to the point where I’m like, ‘Dude, just run your fucking route,’ you know?”

Ethan Hodgman (COL' 14)

Oh hey! How are you? Oh…right…yeah I’m Ethan. You’re Jenny, right? What? How did I know? Oh…mutual friend…class…facebook…you know how these things are. Wait…just a sec…could you do me a huge favor and talk to me in public so it looks I’m adjusting well to college?

I know you have History in, like, 5 minutes in ICC 105 or…ugh…something like that, but just gimmie a minute.  Just enough so that if people walk by us they’d think, “Oh…that guy is talking to a reasonably attractive girl and she doesn’t seem visibly uncomfortable. There’s probably nothing wrong with him.  I should totally reevaluate the instinct that tells me to wait until he’s in the elevator before I walk to the common room.”

How about I walk with you to…whatever building your class is in, if you even have class now…and you can make your decision then? Or not, we can stay here too…yeah, whatever’s fine with me too. Haha definitely…what?

So, ugh, what’s your major I guess?  Yeah…I figured…oh hey…it’s Hoya Snaxa! Haha, I get it! It’s like saxa but there are snacks in it so it’s called snaxa…do you get it?  Haha me too. That’s crazy.

So like, how do you like Georgetown so far? Oh yeah everything’s great, it’s great…except for the football team haha. That’s a reference we’re supposed to make now, right? What? They’re ok now? Shit.

Look…people! Quick, sit next to me…oh shit oh shit oh shit here they come…HAHAHAHA, I know, Hoya Snaxa! Snacks! I know, it’s hilarious…ok they’re gone. That was awesome.

Wait…what time is your class again? Well you might as well just stay out here so more people will notice us. Can you believe those people back there? They totally thought that we were, like, having a legit conversation. I bet next time they see me, they’ll be like, “oh there’s that guy who was talking to that girl. Maybe we should go up and talk to him about college stuff like term papers and sexiling and DPS and stuff. DPS haha…we hate them, right? Haha yeah…they are terrible.

Oh…you really have to get to class? That’s cool I was gonna maybe head down to the Leavey Center to the bookstore and then go to the credit union and Vital Vittles since those are all in the Leavey Center where I go and do my student activities. Okay, well here’s my number in case you want to text me or whatever.  Yeah…no I actually gotta go but it was good talking to ya. Maybe we’ll run into each other again sometime…I mean you’re not too far away…Harbin 525….what? Never mind.