As you may have heard, recent reports by various student groups, University administrators, national news organizations, and something called “the internet” have labeled the Heckler and its team of writers as “insensitive,” “angry,” “hateful,” “racist,” and even… “super racist.” As much as I wished to dismiss any controversy as yet another mess left by my incompetent predecessor, I knew I had to respond to such disgusting, slanderous accusations. These terribly untrue charges have hurt all of us deeply, and threaten the credibility of our esteemed publication as a whole. The notion that the Heckler has singled out any particular group for ridicule is simply outrageous. Anyone familiar with us knows that we hate all of human civilization equally.

These recent accusations of racism strike at the heart of the Heckler’s mission. Throughout our storied history we have worked tirelessly to prove that all humans are horrible, disgusting filth. To accuse us of channeling our hatred toward one specific race is to ignore years of vitriol aimed at the entire rotting corpse of humanity. Yet if one listens to our critics’ recent claims of the Heckler’s racism toward African-Americans, one is left with the troubling impression that there are certain groups that we do not despise. Some groups might even think that we like them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Here at the Heckler, all of humanity is united under a banner of equality. We hate every single person, including ourselves, equally. The mere presence of human beings walking this Earth stirs a pure, rabid, unquenchable hatred deep within our souls. It makes me physically sick to think that there are any members of the Georgetown community that believe the Heckler does not hate them with every fiber of its being.

We cannot, however, pretend that we are blameless in this situation. While the accusations that we hate one particular group more than all others are unquestionably false, we must acknowledge our role in creating the environment in which such baseless lies were able to thrive. It it clear that we have failed to fully transmit just how much we hate every single member of the Georgetown community. The time has come for the Heckler to issue an apology to all those who were left with the sadly misinformed belief that we do not consider them despicable garbage. We’re sorry. As the Heckler’s new editor, I pledge to rectify this terrible injustice, and I will do everything within my power to ensure that each and every soul at Georgetown feels the full extent of our hate, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation. We are all humans. Disgusting, worthless pieces of shit.

Mr. Otto F. Foots, H.S.

As I finish up my last week of finals as a Georgetown undergrad and prepare to enter the real world, I should be elated that it’s all over and excited about my new job as a junior associate in the exciting field of child-murdering / child-murdering-financial-services consultancy.  But I’m not.  I feel melancholic because I’m worried about this school that I love so much.  So I decided my final editorial as Heckler editor would be my most important yet, and I’m sorry to say it: Georgetown may in fact be losing its half-assed Catholic identity.

Georgetown University has been an alma mater to many diverse people—those who are not Catholic; and those who put “Catholic” on their application, because that’s how they were raised and were pressured to do, but don’t really believe in it anymore.  And maybe even, over the span of decades, there has been a legitimate Catholic student or two.  But these days this openness is starting to come at the cost of our very identity as a sort-of, halfways, on-paper, at-least-in-the-eyes-of-long-gone-alumni Catholic university.  And as soon as we lose those words next to “Religious Affiliation” on our Wikipedia page, the very idea of Georgetown will be destroyed.

Let me make it clear: In order to save ourselves, we must expel those who wish to rid Georgetown of its half-assed Catholic character.

If professors act this way, they need to be fired, because this means they are not fulfilling their obligations as professors.  Professors must not keep from their students the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church that Georgetown sometimes acknowledges when those teachings are convenient.  Professors must make occasional jokes about Jesuits so students know the weird things these doddering old men do.  The handful of meaningless slogans that make up Georgetown’s half-assed identity are not meant to just take up space on posters, they are meant to become a meaningless part of the dialogue in the classroom.  I realize that non-“Catholic” students may not believe in pretending to believe in cherry-picked parts of Catholic dogma like the need to engage in social justice, but Georgetown’s mission as a kinda-sorta Catholic university compels professors to present this sort of bullshit to them.  They are then free to believe in these barely Catholic ideas or not.

We can never forget why we have a scant number of weird, reputedly belief-driven regulations like the ban on the sale of condoms on campus.  This is who we are!  Sure, we welcome people of all faiths at this school, but a token number of rules have to be in place that seem to maybe derive from Catholic morality.  That token is a symbol of Georgetown itself, but a token is a very fragile thing; as soon as you take it away, there is nothing left.  We have to keep the few tokens of our half-assed Catholicism close to our heart and never put them into the skee-ball machine of complete secularism.

In some buildings on campus today, there are dusty old crosses hanging on the walls of the classrooms in which the cross hasn’t fallen behind an overhead projector and been lost or hasn’t been ripped off the wall years ago by some miscreant.  And today I am proud to call my self a soon-to-be alumnus of Georgetown University.  But I worry that someday workers will come in to paint these classrooms and will absent-mindedly throw all the crosses in the garbage.  And nobody at Georgetown will notice.  That day, I can no longer call myself a Hoya.  That day, I call myself a What.

Mr. Otto F. Foots, H.S.

Most liberals believe speech will always find a way of breaking the surface, no matter how much it is suppressed. I tend to agree with them. Homophobia always finds an outlet.

But if you want to express your homophobia, it’s important not to be so rash as to make it a hate crime. That sort of thing can land you in jail. So in the interest of my fellow, homophobic students, I offer the following solutions:





Shout Things That Aren’t Gay Slurs
If you can manage to refrain from beating them up, but you still have to yell at homosexuals who are walking by, just shout things that aren’t gay slurs. You still get the satisfaction of shouting things, but it’s no hate crime. Here are a few suggestions:

“YOUR BRAVERY AND INDEPENDENCE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL, HOMOSEXUAL”

“I AM INSECURE WITH MY MASCULINITY AND WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS IT IN RELATION TO YOUR HANDSOME SKULL, HOMOSEXUAL”

“ARE YOU GAY? HUH? ARE YOU GAY? WELL, IT IS REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEONE SO AT PEACE WITH WHO HE IS AS A HUMAN BEING, HOMOSEXUAL”

“IF YOU DON’T STOP BEING SO ATTRACTIVE, HOMOSEXUAL, I’M GOING TO FIND AN EXCUSE FOR MY HAND TO STRIKE AGAINST YOUR LUSCIOUS SKIN AND THEN GO HOME TO CRY AND MASTURBATE TO THE THOUGHT OF YOU”





Sing Gay Slurs To The Tune Of Songs From Rent
Gay slurs are less abrasive it you sing them to songs from musicals, especially a musical like Rent that grapples with gay issues. If you can refrain from violence (stage combat is okay), the hate crime is no longer a hate crime at all but rather a kind of performance art. Here’s a sample verse of hate speech set to the chorus of Rent’s “Another Day”:

You’re such a fag
You’re such a fag
I want to kick
Your goddamn face
I hate you fags
I hate you fags
And God hates you too!





Be A Persistent Objector As You Whale
If you have to shout gay slurs at the homosexual and whale on him, make sure you don’t give him the idea that the reason you’re beating him into a bloody pulp is he’s gay. Get the slurs out of the way first, then make up another reason to beat the homosexual up. For example, ask him what his major is. When he says it’s International Political Economy, say that you hate International Political Economy majors, and while your hatred of gays is a peaceful hate, you cannot bare to look at an International Political Economy major in the face without whaling on him or her. As you are beating the homosexual up, make sure to shout some angry things about how International Political Economy majors are an abomination and rape kids and are trying to ruin the institution of marriage. International Political Economy majors are not protected from hate crimes under current legislation. So it’s just plain old assault!





Find Passive-Aggressive Ways To Be A Homophobe
As a student at a Catholic institution, though, it’s best to follow the example of the always-peaceful Church, which is a beacon of hope for homophobes everywhere. If you feel really riled up about the gays, do something like stop caring for the homeless. That’ll show those fags!

Mr. Otto F. Foots, H.S.

Anytime there’s a crime on campus, you can bet you’ll read an editorial in The Hoya from some crazy guy who thinks we should all have guns.  This guy will slyly allude to the fact that he carries a gun everywhere he goes.  He will scare the crap out of you.

It’s taken me a few years, but I’ve finally come around.  The recent violence this past week proved the need for us to have guns.

Just imagine for a second that Alex Thiele hadn’t shot that toilet in the bathroom of McDonough.  And imagine that the person in the other stall that night was packing heat because he was an agent from another Big East team there to assassinate JTIII.  Thankfully, Alex was there to let this would-be assassin know at least someone at Midnight Madness had a gun.  But what if he hadn’t?  If anything, Alex Thiele saved our basketball season.

And what about that Cosi worker who was lacerated by a robber’s knife the other day?  If everyone had a gun, as soon as that guy walked into Leavey everyone would have pulled out their semi-automatic and shot him dead.  “A black guy wearing a Cosi uniform?  He must be here to rob Cosi and stab people,” everyone would have thought, guns blazing and flying through the air in slow motion.

If you really think about it, students need guns in everyday life.  Ever try to ask a professor a question during a lecture but you can’t get her attention?  Shoot her!  Ever get stuck in a long line at Wisey’s?  Shoot everyone!  Ever get drunk on a Thursday night and totally forget to write a paper due the next day?  Shoot yourself!  The situations where you need a gun are really endless, but you may not realize that unless you have a gun yourself.

Now, some people are going to say that guns are dangerous and will lead to an increase in violence.  But who cares?  As long as you’re doing the violence, having a gun is awesome.  What these people don’t tell you is the real reason they don’t want people to have guns is they know they’ll be a terrible shot.  But why should we care if they can’t draw fast enough or aren’t accurate enough?  Gun skills are like the most important skills on earth.  Get with the program or get shot, I always say.  I think that’s from Mighty Ducks.

I don’t believe, however, that we should let DPS have guns.  How lame would that be?  Us students having guns would put us back in power.  You know that stupid little douchebag white kid who always tries to act all big and tough to DPS when they break up a party you’re at?  Now imagine that stupid little douchebag with a gun.  Exactly!

The Hoya may not be happy, but what did they expect when they published all that racist material? That the image-conscious administration would distance itself from The Hoya? Give me a break. Georgetown is looking for high-quality, highly-racist newspapers in its media portfolio.  When prospective students visit campus, Georgetown wants to say, “Yeah, that newspaper office that’s filled with protesters for being racially insensitive again? That’s ours.” They know college administrators around the country are fucking green with envy that Georgetown has The Hoya.

The question now though is how to acquire other disreputable publications.  Georgetown can’t just stop with The Hoya.  Newspapers are cheap right now. It’s the perfect time to invest more of Georgetown’s scant resources on print publications. Here’s what they should be going after next:

The Crusader
The Hoya is relatively new to the racism game, at least compared to this newspaper, one of the leading publications of the white power movement! It can’t be worth much, because it doesn’t seem to have a Web site of its own. But it already has a related TV network, WhitePride.tv, and a radio network, Storm Front Radio! This media group may be tiny, but with some money and a little modern technology know-how, this could be a true behemoth! True, they will probably be loath to sell to a Catholic, accredited university, but if Georgetown offers up some big cash, I think The Crusader can be theirs.

Barely Legal
It’s important to diversify, but it’s also important to keep your acquisitions close to what you already feature. The girls in Barely Legal are barely legal. The girls at Georgetown are barely legal. Perfect. The University can also cut overhead by not paying for models but rather getting Georgetown students to pose. How will they do that? Why, alcohol sanctions of course! Alcohol sanctions have always been the preferred method for milking free labor and fine money out of undergrads. Now they can continue the exploitation in an already pretty exploitative genre!

Ebony
It’s easy to see why Georgetown likes disreputable publications so much, but all media organizations like Georgetown University have to be careful to balance the portfolio. That’s why Ebony magazine is a good fit.  As a respected publication very much in touch with the African-American experience, it’s basically the opposite of The Hoya.

There you have it! Acquire these three, and we’ll be well on our way to becoming the seedy media behemoth John Carroll set out to build!

Several weeks ago, The Hoya, Georgetown’s most widely read campus publication, of which I was then editor-in-chief, published its annual, ruthlessly satirical “April Fools Issue.” “You people” were upset, and I thought it might be helpful in the name of diversity and dialogue to clear up a few misunderstandings.

First of all, The Hoya knows funny. We watch TBS. We know what we’re doing. We are professionals. Who are you anyways? I don’t give a shit if you think you’re promoting diversity, you’re an idiot. You don’t get the joke about interracial fucking? Jesus fucking Christ. How did you even get into Georgetown? Oh, I think I know. Yeah, that’s right I said it, and now I’m gonna write a joke article about that, and it’s going to be hilarious and satirical. What’s that you say? I don’t know what satire is? Fuck you. Let me define satire for you: Go fuck yourself. Satire is whatever the hell I want it to be.

Whoa. Breathe. Breathe. Ok, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so excited. That was out of line. What I’m trying to say is that you’re just not reading the articles closely enough. Satire isn’t just making a bunch of dick jokes and then calling it a day. It requires painstaking writing and rewritinging. It’s about taking reality and skewering it to make a point indirectly, subtly, and cleverly. We’re satirists. Lord knows we don’t do any fucking journalism. That’s too easy. Anyone can go out and find stories, interview people and maintain a critical campus eye. What we do is make people laugh.

I understand that a lot of people were upset by this year’s issue and that’s ok. But don’t lash out against us. That’s called “projection” and I learned it in Psych 304. You’re a racist and you project that onto The Hoya.

Let me explain to you why the joke issue was hilarious and why you don’t get it. Comedy isn’t for everyone, it’s for the elites—those who are smart enough to be able to write cutting satire on interracial fucking without any regard for what they’re actually saying or promoting.

You thought I should resign? You should be the one resigning. From telling me I should have resigned.

Interracial fucking is an important campus issue. “Oh but Mr. Hoya you just latched onto one of the worst racial stereotypes that has been used as the justifications for the lynching of thousands of African Americans in the south since slavery, that black men want to rape white women.” Bullshit! What we were making fun of was someone who challenged The Hoya and we did so by turning his diversity campaign into a sexually crazed need for white women. See the difference? One is racist, the other is hilariously satirical.

That’s the key to satire. Take a racist stereotype and then curse or add sexual innuendo (or possibly both). Bam! Instant satire. A few examples: Asians think math is fucking sexy. Satire! Black men want to fuck white women. Satire! Jews are fucking greedy. Satire!

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you don’t think The Hoya is funny, it’s probably because you’re not smart enough to understand our sophisticated sense of humor. The interracial fucking article wasn’t just about black virility, it was also about kinetic intersexual politics in a post-racial, gender ambiguous society. If you don’t see that, then I feel sorry for you. So lighten up and take a joke, otherwise fuck off and let us do our jobs. Man, it’s so cool to write “fuck.”

Some of you may be thinking, hey I thought JuicyCampus was just for ignorant sluts to talk about who gave the best rimjobs. Well you are the ignorant slut, because JuicyCampus was much, much more than just that. It was JuicyCampus that was responsible for the Spanish-Americn war with their infamous article, “Burritos make girls so fat! Oh my god Spain blew up the USS Maine!!” It was JuicyCampus that first broke the story on the Cuban Missile Crisis under the heading, “Embargoes are for fags – LOL Castro has fat tits!” And it was JuicyCampus’ post “Bin Laden Determined to Attack Within US! Fags! Tits!” that CIA officials ignored in the days before September 11th. And when Michael Rottson commissioned a report on the “Best Racks at Gtown. Go Hoyas!” he turned to none other than the JuicyCampus investigative journalism team. So don’t tell me JuicyCampus only writes about rimjobs, cause that’s a load of shit.

When the idea for JuicyCampus first struck Matt Ivester he described it this way: “I was staring at ten asses on the street and I wondered, man, which one is the tightest. So I put down my lacrosse stick, slapped each one of the girls on the ass, came on a hobo and thought, that’s it!” We at the Heckler salute you Matt for your commitment to journalistic integrity and undying vigilance in the pursuit of knowledge. While the rest of the world might look down upon you as a worthless sack of shit who created a website solely notable for its reckless disregard for all that is good in humanity, know in your heart of hearts that the Heckler thinks they can go fist themselves because what you cared about most was truth.

It’s a sad day for journalists everywhere. As the journalistic apocalypse approaches, we must wonder what our future is. Will our children’s children even know what a newspaper is? Where will they turn to when they want to hear anonymous homophobes rant? FOX News? Only if they too survive this day of reckoning. God help us. So, I ask you, no, I implore you to keep judging and keep writing, because maybe then JuicyCampus can at least live on in our hearts.

Tits!

It’s in light of these facts that we here at the Heckler laud Vice President Todd Olson’s recent anti-obesity initiative at the cafeteria. Olson’s gift of the wildly contagious norovirus to hundreds of students is an example that we can all follow. It’s leadership we can believe in. A lot of health officials claim something has to be done about America’s weight problem, but how many can put down on their resume gastrointestinal epidemic? Am I saying that Todd Olson secretly developed a highly contagious, dangerous strain of norovirus to combat the Freshman Fifteen and then injected it into students while cackling and stroking a fluffy white cat which he then proceeded to skin in front of me just to show he is incapable of attachment or human emotions? Perhaps.

In a time of national uncertainty and politics rife with empty rhetoric, it’s good to know that someone cares and someone is willing to do what it takes to make a difference. And Olson’s initiative couldn’t have come at a more crucial time. Statistically, October is the first month that freshman chicks start to pad their resumes and their thighs, but not this year, fatasses. You can eat all you want, but it’s coming right back up. Think of it as your body’s way of calling you fat.

So the next time you find yourself holding the toilet seat and wiping the bile from your lips, try to say, “Thanks Todd Olson. Thanks for caring. I am a fat fuck, and reckless disregard for hygienic standards is the best thing that’s happened to me since my dog died because I had premarital sex.”

A human boob (right)

For years, Georgetown women like me have enjoyed GUGS burgers and laughed at the pun of its name. It’s a great pun. Boobs are funny. Any feminist will agree that the pun is hilarious, and thus we have never taken action against GUGS for its name. But in using more than one boob pun, GUGS has proven itself dangerously misogynistic. We have been forced into defending women everywhere because GUGS has come up with two more boob puns.

This issue should be very exciting for all women at Georgetown. Feminists have long been dormant on campus, but rather than having to face the prospect of exerting lots of energy to battle the serious problems women face elsewhere in the world, we now have the opportunity to relatively effortlessly battle an organization right here at home. We may never be able to end genital mutilation in the world because it means confronting the cripplingly patriarchal and oppressive regimes on other continents, but we can stop a student organization from tripling their number of boob puns quite easily. We don’t have to change minds here on an elite America university campus. We as women just have to make a judgment, and it will be deemed correct.

Now is our time to stand up for what we believe in. Breasts are not objects. They do not perform a function, but what they do is abstract and talking about them as being sexually attractive or something from which babies receive sustenance denigrates all of our breasts. Organizations that treat breasts like this or organizations that make puns referring to organizations like this are always wrong. Breasts are abstract. Breasts are not objects, and they cannot be clearly defined.

The girls of this campus must unite in order to dispel these two extra boob puns from the Georgetown community; we cannot allow a cleavage to develop between us. We have been harmed by GUGS, and we must respond tit for tat. If misogynists throw tomatoes at us, we will throw back heaping melons. We must grope for, and upon discovery, open, the chest of equality. We can’t hand out funbags to our oppressors as if at a child’s birthday party; we must use the sword. We can’t allow ourselves to get knocked around any longer by these giant knockers. We will bounce up and down if we need to. We will get a ladder and pull women’s rights off the hot rack above us. And ultimately, we will squirt out the sweet milk of freedom.

And if we stick together, this issue will never be forgotten from Georgetown’s collective mammary.

Pretty balloons!

If there’s one thing we’ve learned this year, it’s that the VP for Student Affairs is completely out of touch with the student body. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the history of GUSA, it’s that they can’t and won’t stand up to the administration. The ranks of the leadership of this University is way too bloated, and if GUSA continues to be complacent, they’re unnecessary too. Let’s just cut the bullshit and make Todd Olson GUSA president.

In the wake of this year’s race for president of the United States, a huge slew of candidates have entered the GUSA race. You have to vote for 18 people this year or your ballot doesn’t count. It’s hard enough to enough to educate yourself about ranking 4 or 6 candiates, let alone 18, but this year’s slew of candidates have made things even harder by failing (yet again) to differentiate themselves. They all seem to be taking a page from Barack Obama, trying to run on a message of “change.” The problem is, though, that none of them are willing to actually back that up by fully standing up to the administration. People who run for GUSA President are not actually looking to take the risks that transformational change require, but are looking for a line on their resume or popularity among the student body. GUSA is powerless. The administration lets GUSA have one or two accomplishments each year, then they get rid of them a couple of years later. That’s not power. That’s not even influence. The only way real change can happen is if the student who becomes GUSA president uses his or her bully pulpit to unite the student body, get some leverage over the administration, and shame them into giving us some power over our own affairs. I’ve looked at the field and only one man can make real change, even if it is harmful: Todd Olson.

Todd Olson will be the geekiest, sketchiest, most aloof GUSA President in the history of Georgetown. But he will also be the most effective GUSA President in the history of Georgetown. Without having to pretend to listen to a GUSA president, Olson can do whatever he wants more efficiently. We can still protest him or write editorials against him, and actually it might be effective. Olson will no longer have justification to say that the students approve of his actions because our GUSA leaders are acting like pussies. And when he gets elected, I want him to bring it on. Just do what you’ve been planning on, Todd; no more gradual change. I want you to destroy our social lives. Ban any kind of alcohol consumption by anyone on campus or in university housing, and kick everyone out of school that ever seems drunk. Make talking to other students punishable by work sanction hours. Hire new DPS officers and assign one to each student to watch them 24/7 to make sure they’re studying as long as they physically can. Hire extra Leo’s staff so they can hand-feed us our food. Make sure we get treated like infants in everything we do. Then you’ll have the university you want and your students will start to live, think, and feel like you did when you were in college.

We deserve Todd Olson as our GUSA president.