Crystal Rigney, head of the BCA, called the plan “absurd and disrespectful to the community,” saying that University officials should have consulted with her organization before deciding to extend the University’s 222-year history for another five years.

“The University has once again shown an incredible lack of regard for the community in its unilateral decision to continue existing for another five years,” declared Rigney. “This institution has exploited our downtrodden neighborhood for far too long, and this latest decision is just too much.”

Previous versions of the Campus Plan have been criticized by neighborhood residents for proposals to create more off-campus student housing, expand parking at the University Hospital, and increase enrollment. However, opposition to the Campus Plan’s latest addition has been especially fierce, as many neighborhood residents purchased homes in the area under the assumption that the 4,305,264 square-foot University would not be a permanent fixture in the neighborhood.

“The University has no right to do this,” said local resident Frank Mitchell, whose three children are tutored in mathematics, English, and chemistry by Georgetown students. “All this University does is take and take from the community, and it has to stop.”

Chief among many residents’ concerns is the number of parties held by University students, with Mitchell explaining that loud weekend parties were “not what he signed up for” when he made the conscious decision to live in the vicinity of the 15,000 student university.

Seeking to forge a compromise with University officials, the BCA has presented a variety of alternatives to the University maintaining a physical presence in the Georgetown neighborhood, including relocating the University to a more “ethnic” part of the District of Columbia; constructing an underground campus accessible only by a complex system of tunnels; and demolishing the University and crafting an elaborate computer system able to simulate the reality of an actual university, a la the Matrix trilogy.

“I’ve lived in this area for fifteen years now. I’ve spoken to a lot of other residents, and we just want our neighborhood back,” said Rigney at a recent BCA meeting, addressing officials representing a university that has existed for more than two centuries.

University officials have attempted to compromise with neighborhood organizations on previous disputes, but have held their ground in this latest conflict, maintaining that the physical existence of the University is critical to its continued success. At a BCA meeting last week, a visibly frustrated Todd Olson, Georgetown’s Vice-President of Student Affairs, attempted to patiently explain to BCA leaders, including Rigney, that the University would not be relocating its 104-acre, 64-building campus in the near future.

“Georgetown University has a proud history of cooperating with neighborhood residents, and we look forward to continuing this strong relationship,” said Olson in his prepared statement. “However, we do not believe that relocating our university, which has graduated 23 Rhodes Scholars, a Supreme Court Justice, and the 42^nd fucking President of the United States, is an option that is either feasible or desirable.”

After reading from his prepared statement, Olson calmly sat back down, waited for Rigney to turn her back to him, and then proceeded to raise his two middle fingers in her direction.

Student Whose Roommate Just Walked In On Him Masturbating

I’ve been dating the same guy since first semester freshman year and, while I really do love him, lately things have been getting a bit stale. He hasn’t done anything wrong I just don’t feel the same passion I used to. The little things that I used to love about him (like the way he laughs) now just annoy me. Is this a sign of a problem in our relationship or just a natural development after 3 years of dating? I don’t want to ditch someone I love for no reason but I also don’t want to end up stuck in a loveless relationship. What should I do?

-Baffled in Burleith

Dear Baffled,

Oh hey! Wow! [Slams laptop shut.] Whoa! Back already? [Hunches over in chair.] I didn’t hear…I thought you were supposed to be meeting with your study group for another hour. Oh…you finished early? That’s cool. Cool. Yeah I didn’t expect you back for another hour. Yeah, I was just, uh, I mean I didn’t expect you back so soon. I just….well, this may look weird, I guess. Well, it isn’t actually…you see i was just changing pants at my desk here and that’s why, uh, yeah man I really didn’t hear you at the door there.

Dear Student Whose Roommate Just Walked In On Him Masturbating,

I’m having a dilemma picking my classes for next semester. I need a class to satisfy my History requirement, and I’m trying to decide between a class that I’m genuinely interested but is going to be very difficult, and one that I couldn’t care less about but I’m sure will be an easy A. I know college is supposed to be about exploring your interests, but I’m a pre-med student so I really can’t afford the damage to my GPA. Have any advice?

-Confused in Car Barn

Dear Confused,

You really should’ve knocked man. Really should’ve knocked. Not that it matters or anything man ‘cause I was just changing or whatever but it’s just courtesy, you know? I just…I can’t believe how quiet you were in the hallway. I mean, you had to get out your keys and unlock the door and everything. I didn’t hear a thing, dude. You’re like some kind of ninja or something. It’s almost like you did it on purpose. I mean I know you didn’t but it’s almost like that. But yeah man it’s not like it’s a big deal it’s just something I noticed. I mean I wasn’t doing anything I wouldn’t want you to see I was just surprised that’s all. You walking in kinda surprised me since I had just been changing and everything. Really didn’t expect that. I already had my boxers on so it’s no big deal but can you imagine if you had walked in a few seconds earlier when I didn’t have them on yet because I was changing and everything? Man that would’ve been really embarrassing!

Dear Student Whose Roommate Just Walked In On Him Masturbating,

I’m beginning to worry about my roommate. I know there’s nothing unusual about partying and drinking in college, but I think he may be going overboard. This past weekend was the 5th time this month he couldn’t remember anything from the previous night when he woke up in the morning, and hearing him run to the bathroom to throw up has become a weekly occurrence. I’ve even caught him drinking alone during the middle of a weekday afternoon, but when I confronted him about it he just blew me off as being “too uptight.” How can I talk to him about my concerns without making him mad at me or just getting ignored?

-Nervous in New South

Dear Nervous,

Oh, yeah….no I guess sitting down at my computer is a kinda weird way to change. I was just sitting down at my desk to check something. I was just about to, uh…I was waiting for an email. What? Oh…the lotion? I was, uh, well, actually I have this rash. It’s on my thigh…but I…well I just figured it might need to be moisturized. Yeah, I was just, uh, rubbing it onto my leg when you walked in. Haha I can totally see how that might have looked weird from the wrong angle or something. But yeah, I was just rubbing it onto the rash, you know? I’m…well, I’m sure it’ll be fine I just wanted to make sure it didn’t get all dry and itchy or anything. Huh? Your shirt? Oh..sure…sorry about that. Was about to give it back to you anyway. Just wanted to check out the design so I, uh, yeah I just laid it out on my lap here. Pretty cool, man. Yeah, the Beatles are sweet. Awesome shirt. Well..here it is. Sorry, I…uh…got some lotion on it.

90% of Hoyas wait until they are sober to get an abortion

88% of Hoyas drink alcohol before and after partying

70% of Hoyas know from experience that Leo’s tastes better drunk

50% of Hoyas know from experience that Fr. Leo J. O’Donovan tastes better drunk

85% of Hoyas have only one STD

50% of Hoyas have unexplained bruises the night after a party

32% of Hoyas have unexplained appendages the night after a party

30% of Hoyas have been date raped by somebody while date raping somebody else

13% of Hoyas think roofies  are an essential part of a good mixed drink

50% of Hoyas have accidentally put it into the wrong hole while drunk

30% of them got away with it

83% of Hoyas have attended a class drunk but left before it ended because they were losing their buzz

7% of Hoyas have played beer pong while taking a final

60% of Hoyas consider being blackout drunk a form of consent and joking about being blackout drunk a form of consent

10% of Hoyas who took this survey were drunk at the time

90% of Hoyas who took this survey are in SMURF

What did you do over Spring Break?

So what are you hoping to do after graduating from Georgetown?

What does an average day at Georgetown look like for you?

What advice would you give incoming students?

1930: A Hoya expose reveals the Great Depression is the blacks’ fault.  It wins a Bunn Award.

1948: When Georgetown’s first black student enrolls, the staff works overtime feverishly printing updates of his every move and distributing copies around campus.

1956: With advertising profits The Hoya establishes the GUTS bus service so that black students can sit at the back of them.

1963: Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his famous “I Have A Dream” speech in Gaston Hall.  The event makes it onto page A9 of The Hoya.

1964-1976: Every copy of the newspaper is burned by civil rights activists and hippies, so no record or memory of the racist stuff that was printed in this period remains.  But trust us, it was terrible.

1984: The black members of the championship basketball team are suspiciously left out of a photo of the NCAA Tournament trophy presentation despite all the players on the team being black.

1986: The Guide reports on the acid-washed jeans and neon leg warmers that will make you the hit of your next lynching.

1994: They hold a chicken fry in Red Square, hoping the smell of fried chicken will attract black students to the table and make them want to write for The Hoya, a justification they yell at every black student who walks by.

2000: Their first black reporter is “promoted” to the editorship of The First This Time, a Hoya spin-off publication for “those people.”

2007: The staff comes to regret concluding their article on the campus Jena Six protests with the sentence “The protestors were intelligent enough to organize themselves and combine words that were not Ebonics into phrases, but they still seemed like people who are too dumb to be able to write ‘RACIST’ on thousands of copies of a campus newspaper or to find someone’s apartment and throw a rock through his window.”

2009: When a sit-in is staged in their offices, the staff decides to go out for a sandwich and finds an empty lunch counter to crowd.

EVENT: Matzoh Macho Men
EVENT: We don’t even like shitty crackers
EVENT: It’s on! Let’s fucking do this! Awesome!
EVENT: Stop what you’re doing this is important!
EVENT: Degioia’s Colonoscopy
EVENT: Steve Houghton This is For You
EVENT: The most important e-mail you’ll ever read!
EVENT: Barack Oh, it’s over

Doug Jones

Preston: Doug, last season you exceeded all expectations by successfully managing to overcome the efforts of at least one opposing team in at least one game. What strategies do you think had the greatest contribution to your success?

Doug: Well, I uh, we, uh, what?

Preston: I suppose the question I’m trying to pose is, how do you think you managed to have such success?

Doug: Wait, what?

Preston: How you win one game?

Doug: Oh. Um, sometimes we go to field and practice. Also I ate a lot which was good. But you can’t eat too much or you get slow out there.

Preston: Oh. Yes. Next question: I think all students can find the demands of their classes to be taxing at times. How is it that you manage to balance your time between the demands of your sport and your academics?

Doug: Classes are hard.

Preston: Could you elaborate?

Doug: They take time and make my head hurt.

Preston: Okay thank you so much for your time.






Preston: Tim, tell us a little about your work and your goals and what got you started in it.

Tim Collins

Tim: Wait, about what?

Preston: The conflict in Darfur.

Tim: Where’s that?

Preston: In Sudan.

Tim: Is that Africa or something?

Preston: Yes.

Tim: Oh, well, umm, in Darfur a lot of bad things have been happening, like people killing people and people dying and people being killed and stuff. Look I’ll be honest; I really didn’t realize you were going to be talking about Africa. I think really shows your lack of character that you would ask me about Africa. Why do you have to make this so hard for me? I just want to do this interview and not have you try to ruin it with your Africa stuff.

Preston: Is there something else you would like to talk about?

Tim: Yeah, the genocide in Darfur’s totally last year. I’m all about Gaza now. I mean the things that the Israelis are doing are absolutely horrible and I don’t understand how you can just sit there and do nothing. The Israelis literally walked into Gaza and just killed people. How would you feel if I bombed your house? How would you feel, really?

Preston: Do you want me to answer that?

Tim: Yes.

Preston: I would be angry.

Tim: That’s right! They literally walked in bombed houses and killed babies and you’re doing nothing about it. Imagine you’re a baby. Really, imagine it. Are you imagining it?

Preston: Yes.

Tim: Good. Now imagine you’re just sitting around doing baby stuff, and then: BAM, I BUST INTO YOUR HOUSE AND I’M AN ISRAELI SOLDIER AND I SHOOT YOU. HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW, YOU DEAD BABY, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Preston: Not good, I guess.

Tim: That’s right. Because you’re dead. Now imagine I start raping you. What now? Do you want to be raped, you dead baby?

Preston: No.

Tim: Well TOO BAD because that’s what happened by you not opposing the Zionist war. You are a worthless baby. Yes, you are lucky enough to lose your virginity before it becomes weird, but you are sitting there doing nothing about the world around you, and you just let the Israelis bomb your crib.

Preston: Okay, thank you for your time, Tim.

Tim: Stop talking. You make my head hurt.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/po/20080911/co_po/formergopsenatorcallspalinacockywacko

re Cocky Wacko:
cocks, pit bulls, and pigs: The barnyard is filling
up, the Catnip and Koolaid are abundant, and Orwell
was right.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/11/analysis-mccains-claims-s_n_125839.html

Double-Speaking of barnyards, I guess it IS true:
you really CAN’T keep a good Ho-Down.

(Nohedint!  Yahedid.)

Also true: All guys are Richards.

love,
Cooter

COOTER!  Where were you old pal?  Noyedint!  Ah ha, oh man.  I miss our days back at spam camp.  You RICHARD!





“Susan Lang” <susan.lang@limeconnect.com>:

Please note the attached release (included below as well) and flyer that details a Monday, September 15th corporate recruitment event for Georgetown University students with disabilities.  If you should have any questions at all, please feel free to contact me at 212.521.4469, 813.758.0407 (cell) or via email.

Thank you in advance for your consideration of publicizing the event – many students with disabilities are not registered with disability services on campus, and media is an important resource that will help us to reach them so they can take advantage of the opportunity.
Regards,
Susan Lang

Listen to Cooter, Susan.  You can’t trust the media and our double-speak.  We’ll probably tell these students with disabilities that giant corporations want to exploit them to make themselves look more compassionate, and that wouldn’t be true, would it?

The team in action on Saturday

The SlamPigs are a team committed to a high level of physical aptitude: a girl needs to maintain a physique attractive to the male gender, and this generally requires developing a vigorous eating disorder. Yet the team is a flexible one where any other sport might be less so in a comparable arena: a girl may be either bulimic or anorexic according to her preference.

In addition to figure, of course, an aspiring SlamPig does well to adopt the standard uniform of the PartySlut. This includes:

• a fake tan
• an artificially whitened smile
• a bad dye job and greasy, straightened hair
• tasteless black eyeliner
• a dress revealing of both their breasts and lower ass
• six-inch, hooker heals
• gum (to impart the look of a ruminating cow)
• a good bikini wax
• an expendable thong

And like I mentioned earlier, all one really needs to start this process is a credit card!

Once one has slipped into uniform and feels slightly dizzy for lack of food, then one is ready to play in the SlamPig games. The rules are essentially as follows: once dressed, a girl begins by calling up two or three other PartySluts and pre-gaming with them to the point of drunken stupor (this is marked by excessive, high-pitched giggling, a newfound inability to walk in one’s hooker heals, and the reversion to filling conversations with “Whaaaa….?”). Then with the team in tow, the group finds the party of an all-male sports group (i.e. crew, football, rugby, basketball, lacrosse, etc.), and begins throwing back additional beer or jungle juice upon arrival.

The main goal of the game is to drunkenly and sloppily fuck the brains out of at least one male sports player by the end of the evening. The more hook-ups a girl can acquire over the span of several parties, and more sexually denigrating they are to her reputation, the better able a girl is to earn her respective title as a SlamPig. In this way, not only has the girl found an avenue of athleticism (it is common knowledge that random, ravenous sex burns more calories than say, simple flirtation or courtship) previously unopened to her, but she has also carved out her niche as a member of the most popular team on campus. Not to mention, she achieves a sense of accomplishment and self-worth after having perhaps gained an affectionate nickname from one of the men’s teams, such as Ms. CumBucket.

What more could Title IX have hoped for?