The Georgetown Heckler » Scissory Jamison

With No News Offices to Go to, Protestors Forced to Stage Sit-In in Heckler Editor’s Bedroom

Scissory Jamison — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:46:34 +0000

BURLEITH—People offended by The Georgetown Heckler’s December issue marched to Burleith and staged a sit-in in the bedroom of its editor last month after being unable to find any other headquarters for the poorly-read website. “Oh God, here, let me move some of this stuff,” the editor, Otto Foots, said, pushing a pile of Fla-Vor-Ice wrappers under his bed to make the room seem slightly less trashed and depressing as the protestors came in. Some protestors found spots to sit on piles of The Hoya scrawled with drawings of various Pokemon, but only a few of the twenty people who came were able to fit in the small space, and many were repulsed by the yellow-brown liquid leaking from the ceiling that Foots did not acknowledge. The protestors were silent, holding and reading the articles they found offensive and had been forced to print off the Internet because the publication has no budget to print issues.

Foots also sat quietly on his bed for several minutes, staring apprehensively at the protestors, until he at last broke the silence again.

“So do you guys mind if I masturbate?” Foots said, as an Associated Press reporter stuck a voice recorder in his face. “This is the time of day I usually masturbate, and I really don’t want to mess up my schedule. So…,” he trailed off, before sheepishly turning towards the wall away from the protestors and sticking his hand in his Georgetown basketball shorts.

Foots later watched a succession of weird animal videos on his laptop. Protestors left soon after Foots asked them if they wanted to “see some really offensive stuff” on another Internet website, 4chan.

Giddy DeGioia, Olson, The Hoya Ask If They’re Allowed to Call Any of Their Other Critics Racist

Scissory Jamison — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 15:44:42 +0000

LEAVEY—University President Jack DeGioia, Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson, and the editor-in-chief of The Hoya had a secret meeting with campus SCUnity and NAACP leaders Tuesday night in order to find out if they’re allowed to demonize any of their other critics as racist. “I can’t tell you how fun it is to call people you don’t like racist in the national media,” Olson reportedly told the campus leaders. “It must be like a constant party for you guys. An awesome respectable, quiet, alcohol-free party.”

Sources close to NAACP President Amber Simmons say Simmons was angry at finding out the meaning of the meeting and quickly left despite DeGioia pleading with her to look at a list of names and tell him if they had done anything he could say was offensive.

Hoya editor Francis Prodi was the only one at the meeting willing to comment for this article. “Oh man, bro, we just looked so good in all of this, acting hurt and being able to condemn someone else for being offensive,” said Prodi. “I think if we can call, like, three more people who say we’re a terrible newspaper racist, we can trick UWire into giving us a bunch of awards this year.”

Provost James O’Donnell was also at the meeting, on the floor shaking and whispering to himself in Latin as DeGioia held onto the leash of the child harness O’Donnell was wearing.

OP-ED: New Ice Cream Cup Policy is Genocide

Scissory Jamison — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 03:08:50 +0000

Here we go again. First they were trying to limit our use of alcohol, now they’re trying to take away our ice cream.

That’s right, Leo’s has gotten rid of Styrofoam cups. “[N]ow, the cafeteria only benefits the cone lovers,” as Paige Morency-Brassard (COL ’11) told The Hoya last week, in the most eloquent statement uttered so far by one of this year’s freshmen. I, along with the rest of my kind, am in deep despair. How can they commit this atrocity against us?! In the United States of fucking America?! “Give me liberty or give me death,” said Ronald Reagan during the American Revolution, and he was probably referring to the liberty of taking ice cream back to his dorm in a cup.

ARAMARK is nothing but the Schutzstaffel, here to take away anyone who dislikes, is indifferent to, or merely likes as a friend ice-cream cones. Before long, those of us who are not cone lovers will be arrested by the Leo’s Gestapo and dragged away to the same prison camps that currently house this year’s alcohol-policy violators. Altagracia and Ripai will be there to brand ice-cream-cup lovers with their GOCard numbers on their arms, under the gleeful eye of SS-Gruppenführer Todd Olson. We’ll be tortured, treated as guinia pigs in weird experiements, and soon after, we’ll be sent to the gas chambers and exterminated. I’m saying that this policy is exactly like the Holocaust, if not worse than the Holocaust.

Georgetown’s alcohol policy and ARAMARK’s ice-cream cup policy are the two greatest issues of our generation. Kids our age are dying every day in this war, and we need a new direction. I know a genocide when I see one. I’m glad people are finally starting to stand up.