Hoyas Coach John Thompson III Expressing Joy Over His Win

“I took this challenge pretty seriously,” Thompson said after collecting his $65 winnings from team manager James Tollucci. “I spent hours looking at each and every matchup to make my picks. That’s the kind of attention to detail it takes to craft a championship bracket. You can’t under-prepare for a little team playing a big name, you have to look at that matchup just like any other game.”

Thompson’s prediction of Georgetown’s early exit represented a dissenting voice, as most Hoya players and coaches had their group making it at least to the Sweet Sixteen.

As star center Greg Monroe (COL’ 12) put it, “I had us winning it all. I think a lot of us did. What bugged me most was the timing, though. Coach turned his bracket in dead last, and he gave it and his five bucks to Jimmy [Tollucci] right in the huddle before tip-off. And at halftime he wouldn’t shut up about how he was whooping us.”

“Listen,” replied Thompson, “A lot of competitors want to tell you, ‘Hey, get your bracket done early, don’t believe the hype, go with your gut and just turn it in.’ Those people just aren’t willing to put in the time I was.”

“It was weird,” said Tollucci. “I went into his office 15 minutes before game time, and coach had papers everywhere, and the white board where he normally puts some inspirational messages to make sure the team doesn’t come out flat, he had about eight different brackets printed out and pasted up there. And Big John [Thompson’s father and legendary Hoyas coach] was sitting behind him expressionless, with this dead-eyed look, just glowering. Don’t see how that helps.”

Thompson though, was confident from the beginning: “I knew my final matchup as soon as the field was announced. I watched us beat both Butler and Duke this season, and I knew immediately: those were two wins that would frustrate Hoya fans the most in retrospect if we fell early. Just seems like that’s how stuff works out.”

Starting guard Austin Freeman identified another source of the team’s complaints with Thompson during the game.

“He was so pompous when it looked like we were going to lose in the fourth quarter [against Ohio] and his pick was going to be right. He kept yelling ‘Have fun on the Pistons next year, Greg,’” said Freeman.

Thompson, however, appeared unmoved by the player’s complaints, choosing instead to focus on his plans for the future.

“I can’t wait for next year’s schedule to come out,” said Thompson. “It isn’t easy picking which mediocre teams we will lose to once we get a top 10 ranking. That kind of lack of effort takes careful planning.”

“I had seen him in history class and I thought he seemed cool,” said Kathleen Vargas (MSB ’11) of her interaction with Connolly at a party this past weekend, “but when I walked up to him to see if he wanted to go somewhere quieter to talk he just all of a sudden started stammering and whispered something about how uncomfortable this must be for me. Before I could say anything he had disappeared back into the crowd.”

A recent Georgetown Heckler survey looking into student opinions regarding Georgetown’s hookup culture concluded that, of the 23% of students who self-identified as being “opposed” to the prevailing campus attitudes towards hooking up, 11% marked “religious/other moral” reasons for doing so, while another 8% cited “religious/other moral” reasons to hide the fact that no one wanted to get with their awkward asses. Just 4% marked that they had “legitimate” reasons to abstain from campus hookup culture.

Professor Howard Mankin of the Sociology Department outlined the decline in campus virtue: “These young people are running rampant all over the place, giving the University a bad name both among our neighbors and nationwide. These students who keep pretending to be above hooking up to hide what losers they are represent a blight upon Georgetown’s reputation and are, quite simply, driving away applicants. It’s people like Jake Connolly who are the problem. In my ‘Re-Examining Modern Sexual Standards’ class today, he raised his hand and gave about an 8-minute rant about how people should respect themselves and others’ bodies by slowing down or some bullshit. Seriously, what a puss.” Makin’s paper “What Drives These Self-Righteous Tools: Seriously, Will Someone Just Bang Them to Shut The Up For the Love of God” delves deeper into this growing crisis, and will appear in next month’s Social Science Conspectus.

As the Heckler went to press, Jake Connolly was last sighted nervously backing away from Annie Trumbull (MSB ’12) at a Henle party, sweating profusely while insisting that she “probably wants some space,” while Trumbull texted her girlfriends that she was ready to leave if they were, because seriously that party was dead.

“He didn’t even warn us what he was going to do. He just sort of took it out and started,” recounted sophomore Erik Miller (COL ’12). “I don’t even get what set him off. It all began during one of those ASPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan. I thought he started crying at first, and then suddenly his pants were off. What the fuck.“

The group of three students, rounded out by Claire O’Brien (MSB ’12) and Ben Ornstein (SFS ’12), immediately fled the scene, effectively “masturbanished” from the vicinity. “Really, they should be grateful,” said Frankfort, “last time I had to do it in the lobby.”