Michael Lipton (SFS '13)

“I just wanted to get everyone off my back for Valentine’s Day so I told a few of my friends about this girl I was seeing at my high school back home. Now they won’t shut up about her,” said Lipton.

Unfortunately for Lipton, the qualities of his imaginary girlfriend “Kate Perkins” attracted the attention of his Harbin 9 floor mates, all of whom found her a far more interesting and noteworthy topic of discussion than Lipton himself.

“Kate is so amazing,” said Tom Cranston (MSB ’13). “She’s hiked the Appalachian Trail, is fluent in three languages, and is even getting recruited by some Big East schools for soccer.”

“Everyone loves her,” agreed Selma Browning (MSB ’13). Ever since Michael told us about the time she went to New York for Fashion Week and partied with the Olson twins we’ve been begging him to tell us everything about her. Hearing all these awesome stories about Kate almost makes hanging out with Mike bearable.”

Though Lipton originally hoped his floor mates’ interest in Perkins would fade as quickly as their interest in him, his increasingly detailed stories only heightened their desire to interact with her. To avoid being caught in his lie, Lipton was forced to create a fake Facebook page so that his floor mates could finally talk to the girlfriend they had heard so much about.

“It wasn’t too hard. I just grabbed some pictures of some random girl I found on Myspace and photoshopped myself in here and there,” Lipton said. “Kate’s gotten so popular that I have to spend more time on her account than mine just to keep up with all the Facebook chats from people on my floor. I guess it’s not too big of a deal, though, I don’t really have much else to do.”

Kate quickly accumulated more Georgetown Facebook friends than Michael, with her new friends offering unanimous praise for her wit and her easygoing demeanor.

“It’s so much fun to talk to Kate. She’s so down-to-earth and cheerful,” said Caitlin Matthews (COL’ 13). “It makes you wonder why she’s still with a boring guy like Mike. Maybe she feels bad for him. I guess she’s just too kind for her own good. I’m sure once she gets to college she’ll realize that she could do much, much better.”

While Lipton initially claimed not to mind the attention being lavished on his creation, he acknowledged that it has gradually become “tiresome.”

“At this point I have to use her Facebook account just to find out when my roommate is going to eat at Leo’s. I mean I know that everyone who likes Kate is really showing their appreciation for me and the stories I tell but sometimes it’s easy to let myself forget that. Luckily we’re going to have to break up soon now that she’s heading off to college. She’s gonna have to cheat on me, though. I don’t think people would forgive me if I hurt her,” he added, clicking away Facebook invitations to parties he was not invited to.

“As soon as he told me to ‘WIN THE FUCKING TIP YOU PUSSY’ before the Temple game I knew this year would be different,” said Junior forward Julian Vaughn, “I had never thought about it like that. I won that tip.”

“Whenever we lose focus or fall behind, we can count on Brenden’s words of encouragement to get us back in the game,” coach Thompson added. “There were moments last year when we really could’ve used someone screaming ‘GODDAMMIT PLAY SOME DEFENSE’ at us for twenty straight minutes. That’s where Brenden comes in.”

Despite the attention, Sollen remains humble. “I just try to go out there and do my job. It’s really a team effort. All the credit should go to the players. Screaming ‘DUNK THE BALL YOU FUCKER’ is useless unless there is someone there to take your advice and ‘DUNK THE FUCKING BALL.’”

Sollen’s success comes as little surprise to those who know him best. “He comes from a long line of celebrated hecklers,” noted family friend Andrew Bolton. “I remember his dad screaming ‘THROW IT IN THE POST’ uninterrupted for three quarters of a game back in ‘84. I think we all knew that was going to be a special year.”

Sollen’s spent his childhood learning the art of heckling at his father’s side, marveling at the power and influence of a man with little to no strategic knowledge of basketball.

“I can still remember the day I knew I wanted to follow in his footsteps,” said Sollen. “I was playing point guard for my middle school’s team and my dad kept screaming ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU’ every time I missed a shot. Totally changed my perspective on the game. He was asked to leave the building, but his message stuck with me.”

Even with such a storied lineage, few expected Sollen to have such an immediate impact. According to Thompson, “We had obviously heard that Brenden would be joining us this year, but we never expected so much so soon. He’s really living up to his potential. It takes most guys a year or two to adjust to screaming at the college game.”

Any questions about Sollen’s talent were answered within the season’s first few games, as nearly every player showed significant improvement over their previous year’s form. When asked about his impressive three-point shooting to start the year, Junior guard Austin Freeman gave all the credit to Sollen. “It really helps me to hear ‘MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT MAKE IT’ whenever I put up a shot. Brenden knows how to keep you focused on your goals. I don’t think there’s a single guy on this roster who hasn’t raised his game to meet Brenden’s impossible expectations.”

Perhaps nothing attests to Sollen’s value more than the impact of his recent absence from last week’s game against South Florida. The lack of Sollen’s heckling left the Hoyas noticeably sluggish, resulting in the team’s first Verizon Center loss of the season. “We really missed him out there tonight,” remarked Thompson in his post-game press conference, “it’s just hard to stay focused without Brenden there yelling ‘PLAY A GODDAMN ZONE’ regardless of whether we are already playing a zone defense.”

Though Thompson offered Sollen a spot as team manager to ensure his presence at the rest of the Hoyas’ games, Sollen respectfully declined, repeatedly shouting “CALL A FUCKING TIMEOUT” at the baffled head coach.

“Moving the hospital provides a temporary solution for the University’s excessive growth, but moving the University eliminates the root of the problem,” said ANC Commissioner Josh Tarbott. “The University has been encroaching on its neighbors’ space for over 200 years. We’re just trying to find a reasonable way for the University and its neighbors to co-exist, and the best way to do that is for the University to not exist here.”

Fellow ANC member Trina Brown agreed, noting that “the University has simply gotten far too large for our liking. Universities mean students, and students mean parties, noise, and garbage. We have already asked the University to eliminate its students, but they have been shockingly unwilling to negotiate. The only fair compromise is for the University to move to one of the many open locations around D.C. where its presence will not personally inconvenience us.”

“This isn’t an outrageous request,” concluded Tarbott. “We aren’t telling them where to go. They have our expressed permission to move wherever they want. We simply demand that all students, faculty, and buildings vacate our land as quickly as possible.”

90% of Hoyas wait until they are sober to get an abortion

88% of Hoyas drink alcohol before and after partying

70% of Hoyas know from experience that Leo’s tastes better drunk

50% of Hoyas know from experience that Fr. Leo J. O’Donovan tastes better drunk

85% of Hoyas have only one STD

50% of Hoyas have unexplained bruises the night after a party

32% of Hoyas have unexplained appendages the night after a party

30% of Hoyas have been date raped by somebody while date raping somebody else

13% of Hoyas think roofies  are an essential part of a good mixed drink

50% of Hoyas have accidentally put it into the wrong hole while drunk

30% of them got away with it

83% of Hoyas have attended a class drunk but left before it ended because they were losing their buzz

7% of Hoyas have played beer pong while taking a final

60% of Hoyas consider being blackout drunk a form of consent and joking about being blackout drunk a form of consent

10% of Hoyas who took this survey were drunk at the time

90% of Hoyas who took this survey are in SMURF

DPS still wants to question this man who was hired to entertain at the initiation party

HENLE— The newly initiated freshmen members of the Georgetown Program Board leadership are in stable condition today at Georgetown University Hospital after having too much wholesome fun at a club initiation party Saturday night.

GERMS, the student EMS service, responded to the scene at 11:32 P.M. after receiving several panicked calls from the party.

“Primarily, we have a situation where students who are usually not allowed to have sugar were forced to chug vast quantities of non-alcoholic jungle juice, also called Kool-Aid,” said first responder Brandon Craggiore (MSB ’11).  “Add in the fact that this was the first party many of these kids ever attended and all the excitement that caused for them, it’s amazing they all made it out alive.”

The initiation ritual of the GPB, which is made up of seven or eight students who have absolute power over an annual budget of $100,000 and many of whom are legally blind due to infrequent exposure to sunlight, is said to strike fear in the heart of any teetotaler thinking about joining the club.

“GPB is a welcoming haven for people who, like us, don’t drink alcohol or have sex,” said GPB Terrible Comedy Shows Nobody Wants to See Chair George Rasmussen (MSB ’12).  “But it can get pretty crazy at initiation.  We stayed up until 11:30 this time, a full three hours after bedtime for most of us.”

A DPS report of the incident provides the frightening details.  Upon coming to the party, initiates were immediately forced to name 10 of the 20 worst-reviewed movies of the year, the traditional measure of whether GPB should pay to screen the movie.  The intiate who was slowest was made to do a keg stand for a full minute.  But the keg was O’Doul’s and nobody at the party knew how to tap the keg, so instead the initiate had to stand on top of the keg for a full minute while sipping a cup of water.

Next, initiates were forced to strip down to their undershirts and the basketball shorts they wore under their jeans and run back and forth in front of the Leavey Center but run slowly enough to make sure they didn’t get in anybody’s way or trip.  One initiate refused to remove any of his four layers of clothes and was forced to do a “keg stand.”

$50,000 of GPB’s budget was spent getting Fountains of Wayne to perform a song at this point, but once they were finished, they were quickly forced to leave as GPB members felt a non-Christian rock band might be a bad influence.

At about 10 PM, the Kool-Aid chugging began.  Initiates did what they thought was a “power hour” but what was really a competition to see who could drink the most Kool-Aid in the time period.  But with the rush of sugar, things went terribly wrong, and nobody at the event could remember what happened next.

One former GPB officer, Mary Ferris (COL ’06), said the initiation ritual often gets this intense.  “I have some horror stories.  My freshman year, I drank a bunch of Mountain Dew and got completely out of control.  I must have square-danced with five guys that night, but it was so many, I lost count.  I felt so dirty.”

“I took a pregnancy test the next morning to make sure,” she added, “but apparently you can’t get pregnant from just square dances.”

Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson was ecstatic with the news that GPB officers were in the hospital, and his What’s After Dark program released a number of press releases today bragging about the initiation.

“Who says you have to have alcohol to get crazy?  This just shows how students never need to attend parties with alcohol because the parties we fund are so much more cowabunga,” Olson said.  “But on a serious note, if we continue to have trouble with sugar overdoses, we’re going to have to ban this substance on campus.”

Doctors at Georgetown University Hospital report that the fever is spread through the respiratory system when an infected male constantly talks about his newfound obsession for Asian women. The disease then affects the nervous system once the victim has become addicted to Asian pornography. If left untreated, the disease takes total control of the subject, and he gravitates to hentai and tentacle porn.

The university has taken drastic measures to raise awareness and contain the outbreak. The administration has quarantined affected students in a lockerroom at nearby Georgetown Visitation that is still being used by the Visitation cheerleading and swimming teams and has set up stations across campus to distribute Catholic-schoolgirl porn magazines.