The backup plan’s success was demonstrated following the discovery of a drug lab on Harbin’s 9th floor, an event that required the evacuation of the hall’s residents. When the residence hall’s fire alarms proved inactive, DPS officials were prepared with a response.

“We didn’t get too worried when we realized that none of the fire alarms were working,” said DPS Official Wallace Mitchell.  “We simply ordered our officers to enter the building and calmly and efficiently instruct its residents to ‘GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER OH GOD OH GOD JUST GET OUT DON’T CATCH ON FIRE DEAR GOD GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS POSSIBLE.’”

Though there was ultimately little threat of fire, officials saw the successful evacuation as proof of their complex plan’s ability to initiate a safe and orderly evacuation in the absence of fire alarms.

“Pretty much everyone probably got out eventually,” said Mitchell.

The plan represents the conclusion of years of intensive study by DPS researchers into the safest way to avoid fire-related death or injury.

“Study after study has shown that there is only one way to completely eliminate the risks to human life associated with fire and that is to not catch on fire,” said Director of Public Safety Sean Kamper.  “As a result, we have worked tirelessly to design a plan that makes sure students are aware that they should not catch not fire in case the fire alarms once again malfunction.”

Implementation of this plan has seen signs posted around campus buildings educating students as to what a fire might look like and, if one is spotted, instructing them to not walk directly into it.

Though some students complained that the new backup plan came at the expense of increased attention to fire alarm and extinguisher maintenance, officials dismissed their complaints as shortsighted.

“We’re still focused on that stuff or whatever,” said Kamper, “and besides, once our students get good enough at not catching on fire we won’t even need fire alarms anymore.”

“He was in the middle of a presentation on capital campaign fundraising integration when he turned around giggling and just started tossing lit matches into the air. It was kind of cute how proud he was but we really didn’t want to encourage that kind of dangerous fascination,” said donor William O’Connell.

After hastily offering a beaming DeGioia their assurances that the fiery display was in fact “pretty neat,” the donors promptly reported the incident to campus police, who quickly linked the display to the spate of minor fires plaguing campus buildings in recent weeks. Though evidence found around the fires had already placed DeGioia at the scene of the crimes, investigators originally had little reason to believe the university president possessed the means or ability to start them.

“The walls were coated with sloppy joe handprints and he left behind his copy of Garfield Large and In Charge but that isn’t really that unusual. We assumed no one would be dumb enough to leave him alone with something as dangerous as matches,” said DPS officer Hector Diaz after the fire on Harbin’s 8th floor. “That’s just too much responsibility. We all saw what happened when someone left him alone with a package of stickers right before commencement.”

Though an uncooperative DeGioia initially thwarted interrogators by holding his breath and covering his eyes with his hands, promises of immunity from punishment and an extra two hours of afternoon nap time soon led the president to divulge how he came to possess the matches.

“Someone must have accidentally dropped the matches near DeGioia’s desk where he could reach them during his daily game of ‘desk fort,’ because he said he picked them up off the ground while hiding from the ‘bad man’ and his ‘stupid student affairs’,” said DeGioia’s interviewer DPS Officer David Karst.

While an increasingly fussy DeGioia was unwilling to volunteer how the fires started, Georgetown Professor of Developmental Psychology Julia Brent suggests it was likely a simple case of experimentation gone wrong.

“It’s only natural for a president his age to be curious about the world around him,” said Brent. “The matches offer him a fascinating new level of power he’s never had before. It should come as no surprise that he would be eager to explore their potential.”

Though some within the investigation concurred with Brent’s assessment, others expressed their suspicion that the fires may have been started deliberately to attract the fire department.

“You should’ve seen how excited [DeGioia] was when the firefighters got here,” said Karst. “He kept asking for rides on their ‘firemobile.’ He even had some treats ready for the dalmatian he expected them to bring.”

Regardless of the motive behind the fires, however, officials universally sought to emphasize that the threat had passed.

“The matches have been taken away and those responsible have learned their lesson. The Georgetown community can once again sleep soundly,” said Karst. “Finally DPS resources can go back to ignoring more serious crimes.”

One of Georgetown's Public Masturbators Exploring His Newfound Freedom

“At last our community can emerge from the shadows,” said Chad Driscoll (COL ’12), president of the Hoyas for Public Self-Pleasure (HPSP), as he crouched behind a bush in the LXR courtyard. “For too long we have been told when, where, and in front of whom we may spill our seed. After years of feeling like second-class citizens on our own campus, soon we’ll finally be able to pleasure ourselves within full view of our peers.”

The move to expand wireless service represents a hard-fought victory for Georgetown’s public masturbators following years of their community’s neglect at the hands of University officials.

“We’ve worked hard to masturbate through any barriers so that our future Hoyas won’t have to,” said Jeffrey Turnbull (MSB ’10) between heavy breaths as he exited his Leo’s booth. “The University’s unwillingness to offer the resources and institutional support our community deserves was incredibly discouraging, but it looks like our vigorous resilience has finally paid off.”

Turnbull’s fellow masturbators shared his relief, thankful to be leaving their old masturbation aids behind in favor of the portability and versatility of wireless-accessing laptops.

“The days of sneaking copies of Ladies’ Home Journal out of Lau are over,” said Brett Crenshaw (COL ’13) from his bench outside the Jesuit Residence.

“Using the internet used to mean being seen by two, maybe three people max,” added Mitch Larkin (COL’13), “but now I can enjoy the delights of hardcore teen orgy action wherever I please. The oppressive reign of the ethernet cord has at last come to a well-deserved end.”

Georgetown administrators acknowledged their past failings, citing their checkered technological history as motivation for the recent progress.

“We understand that Georgetown has developed an unfortunate reputation for offering its students subpar technological resources, but those days are numbered,” said director of University Information Systems Terry Jones. “If you walk across campus at George Washington or American University, you’ll see students around every corner utilizing their ability to furiously gratify themselves in locations that would have seemed unimaginable even a few years ago. It is our hope that such heart-warming signs of semen-stained progress soon become visible all across our own historic grounds.”

HPSP President Driscoll expressed appreciation for the University’s significant, if delayed, turnaround on the issue and extended administrators an invitation to HPSP’s wireless-expansion celebration event in the bushes of Copley Lawn.

“While we may not always have seen eye-to-eye, it is time that administrators and students put aside our past differences and come together to celebrate the dawn of a new era through the act of communal self-gratification.”

Though University President Jack DeGioia cited preexisting commitments that prevented his attendance at the HPSP event, he commended organizers’ eagerness to express their newfound freedoms.

“Georgetown will always open its arms to those willing to expose their passion to our community of learning,” said DeGioia as he exited his office, lotion and laptop in tow.

Kevin Trammel (COL '13)

“I always thought my first drug buy would be filled with danger and intrigue but it ended up just being kind of boring,” said Trammel. “Not once did I feel threatened even a little bit. It was a huge letdown.”

The freshman from Princeton, New Jersey had been eagerly anticipating the event for days, ever since first deciding to purchase a small amount of marijuana from Keith Nippert (NHS ’11), one of his roommate’s friends.

“I don’t usually do this kind of thing but I hung out with this cute girl from my psych class last week and she suggested that we should smoke together sometime. I figured she’d be really impressed if I managed to get some weed by myself. I know I should have been more scared but I was actually kind of excited. It’s not everyday that you get to come face-to-face with the mob,” Trammel said.

Though hints of his impending disappointment began to appear early on, Trammel remained optimistic that the experience would live up to his lofty expectations.

“My first call to [Nippert] to arrange a secure location for the deal should have tipped me off that something was wrong,” said Trammel. “He answered using his real name and didn’t even bother to first check and see if the call was tapped. If I hadn’t been using my voice scrambler I would’ve been really concerned.”

Despite Trammel’s growing misgivings, he and Nippert agreed on Nippert’s dorm room as the location for the transaction.

“He kept asking me all these weird questions,” said Nippert. “He wanted to know how many accessible exits there were, what types of security measures were in place, and whether he could case the room before the money changed hands. I didn’t even know how to react so I just agreed with everything he said. I had some extra weed left over and really needed a few bucks. FIFA ’10 just came out.”

Trammel’s extensive preparation, however, did not prepare him for what he saw upon entering Nippert’s room to complete the deal.

“It confirmed all of my worst fears,” said Trammel. “He just tossed me the baggie and told me to leave the money on his desk. He didn’t even look up from his game of Madden. There were no furtive glances, no code names, no intrigue or tension at all. I nearly dropped my attaché case of money out of shock.”

“It just all seemed so wrong,” added Trammel. “I could’ve been wearing a wire and he would’ve had no idea. It was like he had no clue how much danger we were in. I bet the Feds are licking their chops to get their hands on his supply. I don’t understand how someone could be so careless.”

Despite his satisfaction with the product he received, Trammel insisted he would no longer purchase drugs from Nippert.

“He can kiss my business goodbye. I’m not just going to give someone twenty dollars of my hard earned money if they aren’t willing to put any effort into providing their consumer with a proper purchasing environment. The entire experience was a disappointment from start to finish. I’m not going to make the same mistake twice,” said Trammel as he boarded the metro for Anacostia, cash in hand.

“God that place is depressing,” said Walsh. “Just because my life isn’t full of fun doesn’t mean I don’t have any standards. I’d rather beg for ten hours in natural sunlight than spend one hour in that artificially-lit hellhole. At least at the corner of Wisconsin and M St. I don’t have to listen to Dave Matthews Band leaking out of some bro’s headphones for three straight hours.”

Though the embarrassing gaffe was quickly noticed by commenters and corrected by misidentifying festival director Kendra Blaine as “Kendrick Bklane,” the blog’s reputation may not be so easily mended. While Bradley was reprimanded for her costly mistake, she will be allowed to retain her position as a blogger permitted she undergoes online journalism training to ensure the inaccuracy of her future posts.

In a statement released to the press, Bradley apologized for her failure and pledged to atone for her gaffe. “I understand thatt I have failed to meet our exacting standards, but I can rpomise that from here on ouyt no one will work harder than me to insure that our posts are as riddled with errors as possibel,” said Bradley.

In accordance with Magis Row’s goal of “allowing groups of students to explore their shared interests with Georgetown faculty and the greater community,” the students occupying the Todd Olson house will work together with Olson to develop their interest in “being Todd’s friend,” and “not being mean to Todd.” Though no students proposed the theme themselves, Olson and colleagues determined that the need for such a house was great enough to propose it on behalf of the administration.

Olson outlined the reasons for establishing the house, saying that “It is only right that the best and brightest from Georgetown’s vibrant community of leaders and scholars are given the chance to learn from, listen to, and stave off soul-crushing loneliness with such an illustrious mentor as Todd A. Olson.”

“Just because those stupid kids back in high school didn’t understand what they were missing doesn’t mean our next generation has to make the same mistakes,” added Olson.

Like other houses on Magis Row, the Todd Olson Friendship community will feature a variety of projects and events throughout the year designed to promote its theme. While volunteers to live in the house have yet to be found, Olson and the Office of Residence Life have already begun planning next year’s events.

A source present at a sparsely-attended planning session held at Olson’s condo reports that prospective events include “Remembering Todd Olson’s Birthday: A Symposium,” “There’s Always Seconds! Cooking for One with Todd Olson,” and “Todd’s Take: Peeping Tom or Friend-in-Waiting?”

Olson enthusiastically noted that townhouse occupants can also expect to host dinners for him on special occasions, such as “when my power is out,” “when my power is out again,” and “ when, wouldn’t you know it, my power went out again! Third time this week! Crazy, huh?”

“Whatever lucky students end up in this house better prepare themselves for a wild time,” said Olson. “I know people might be intimidated by my authority and the musky, masculine scent wafting out of my short-sleeved dress shirts, but that’s ‘Business Todd.’ ‘Party Todd’ is hiding right beneath the ruddy, pockmarked surface.”

“‘Business Todd is the man you aspire to be as you see him stride confidently across campus by himself on a weekday morning. ‘Party Todd’ is the guy who shows up at your door at 7pm on a Saturday night with a DVD of Wild Hogs and a 12-pack of Totino’s Pizza Rolls just because he can’t stand another minute alone in his empty condo without jumping in front of a GUTS bus. That’s the Todd the occupants of this townhouse will be getting to know.”

Though Olson acknowledged his surprise at the townhouse’s current vacancy, he assured the Heckler that demand to occupy the house would soon rise. “It’s only a matter of time before word gets out. Georgetown’s students have no idea what they’re missing,” Olson said as he completed his game of online Scrabble.