String of Campus Fires Linked to DeGioia’s Discovery of Matches
HEALY–The source of a string of fires on Georgetown’s campus has been traced to rambunctious University President Jack DeGioia’s recent discovery of matches, Department of Public Safety officials reported Thursday. While the fires in New South, New North, and Harbin Hall had stumped DPS officers seeking to determine their cause for weeks, investigators received a break in the case when the precocious 53-year old University President gleefully revealed his new discovery in a meeting with donors early Wednesday morning.
“He was in the middle of a presentation on capital campaign fundraising integration when he turned around giggling and just started tossing lit matches into the air. It was kind of cute how proud he was but we really didn’t want to encourage that kind of dangerous fascination,” said donor William O’Connell.
After hastily offering a beaming DeGioia their assurances that the fiery display was in fact “pretty neat,” the donors promptly reported the incident to campus police, who quickly linked the display to the spate of minor fires plaguing campus buildings in recent weeks. Though evidence found around the fires had already placed DeGioia at the scene of the crimes, investigators originally had little reason to believe the university president possessed the means or ability to start them.
“The walls were coated with sloppy joe handprints and he left behind his copy of Garfield Large and In Charge but that isn’t really that unusual. We assumed no one would be dumb enough to leave him alone with something as dangerous as matches,” said DPS officer Hector Diaz after the fire on Harbin’s 8th floor. “That’s just too much responsibility. We all saw what happened when someone left him alone with a package of stickers right before commencement.”
Though an uncooperative DeGioia initially thwarted interrogators by holding his breath and covering his eyes with his hands, promises of immunity from punishment and an extra two hours of afternoon nap time soon led the president to divulge how he came to possess the matches.
“Someone must have accidentally dropped the matches near DeGioia’s desk where he could reach them during his daily game of ‘desk fort,’ because he said he picked them up off the ground while hiding from the ‘bad man’ and his ‘stupid student affairs’,” said DeGioia’s interviewer DPS Officer David Karst.
While an increasingly fussy DeGioia was unwilling to volunteer how the fires started, Georgetown Professor of Developmental Psychology Julia Brent suggests it was likely a simple case of experimentation gone wrong.
“It’s only natural for a president his age to be curious about the world around him,” said Brent. “The matches offer him a fascinating new level of power he’s never had before. It should come as no surprise that he would be eager to explore their potential.”
Though some within the investigation concurred with Brent’s assessment, others expressed their suspicion that the fires may have been started deliberately to attract the fire department.
“You should’ve seen how excited [DeGioia] was when the firefighters got here,” said Karst. “He kept asking for rides on their ‘firemobile.’ He even had some treats ready for the dalmatian he expected them to bring.”
Regardless of the motive behind the fires, however, officials universally sought to emphasize that the threat had passed.
“The matches have been taken away and those responsible have learned their lesson. The Georgetown community can once again sleep soundly,” said Karst. “Finally DPS resources can go back to ignoring more serious crimes.”
