Public Masturbators Celebrate Expansion of University Wireless

COPLEY LAWN–Georgetown’s community of public masturbators rejoiced this past Wednesday as University officials announced plans to expand the availability of wireless internet on campus. Though the long-awaited announcement was celebrated across all corners of campus, the news brought particular joy to the dark alleys and cramped library study carrels in which Georgetown’s public masturbators have long been forced to practice their craft.

“At last our community can emerge from the shadows,” said Chad Driscoll (COL ’12), president of the Hoyas for Public Self-Pleasure (HPSP), as he crouched behind a bush in the LXR courtyard. “For too long we have been told when, where, and in front of whom we may spill our seed. After years of feeling like second-class citizens on our own campus, soon we’ll finally be able to pleasure ourselves within full view of our peers.”

The move to expand wireless service represents a hard-fought victory for Georgetown’s public masturbators following years of their community’s neglect at the hands of University officials.

“We’ve worked hard to masturbate through any barriers so that our future Hoyas won’t have to,” said Jeffrey Turnbull (MSB ’10) between heavy breaths as he exited his Leo’s booth. “The University’s unwillingness to offer the resources and institutional support our community deserves was incredibly discouraging, but it looks like our vigorous resilience has finally paid off.”

Turnbull’s fellow masturbators shared his relief, thankful to be leaving their old masturbation aids behind in favor of the portability and versatility of wireless-accessing laptops.

“The days of sneaking copies of Ladies’ Home Journal out of Lau are over,” said Brett Crenshaw (COL ’13) from his bench outside the Jesuit Residence.

“Using the internet used to mean being seen by two, maybe three people max,” added Mitch Larkin (COL’13), “but now I can enjoy the delights of hardcore teen orgy action wherever I please. The oppressive reign of the ethernet cord has at last come to a well-deserved end.”

Georgetown administrators acknowledged their past failings, citing their checkered technological history as motivation for the recent progress.

“We understand that Georgetown has developed an unfortunate reputation for offering its students subpar technological resources, but those days are numbered,” said director of University Information Systems Terry Jones. “If you walk across campus at George Washington or American University, you’ll see students around every corner utilizing their ability to furiously gratify themselves in locations that would have seemed unimaginable even a few years ago. It is our hope that such heart-warming signs of semen-stained progress soon become visible all across our own historic grounds.”

HPSP President Driscoll expressed appreciation for the University’s significant, if delayed, turnaround on the issue and extended administrators an invitation to HPSP’s wireless-expansion celebration event in the bushes of Copley Lawn.

“While we may not always have seen eye-to-eye, it is time that administrators and students put aside our past differences and come together to celebrate the dawn of a new era through the act of communal self-gratification.”

Though University President Jack DeGioia cited preexisting commitments that prevented his attendance at the HPSP event, he commended organizers’ eagerness to express their newfound freedoms.

“Georgetown will always open its arms to those willing to expose their passion to our community of learning,” said DeGioia as he exited his office, lotion and laptop in tow.