Vatican Pledges $6.9 Million for New Persecution of Science Center

CAMPUS – After years of delays, university officials are once again moving ahead with plans for a new Persecution of Science Center, thanks to a timely grant from the Vatican’s Pontifical Academy of Scientific Ignorance. 

“We are delighted that the Vatican’s generous gift has allowed us to move forward on this important project,” Provost James O’Donnell said in a statement released this morning.  “This new center will keep Georgetown on the cutting edge of oblivious, benighted superstition for years to come.” 

The building, slated to be named after 17th century Grand Inquisitor Francesco Barberini, was made possible by the Catholic Church’s Dogmatic Recovery Initiative, which seeks to assist struggling communities by purging them of any and all threats to their preconceived notions of the universe. 

According to preliminary sketches, the Barberini Persecution Center (or “Barberini’s” as it has affectionately become known on campus) will include modern, WiFi-enabled underground torture chambers, as well as several oversized furnaces for students to dispose of class notes or readings that cause them to rethink their place in the cosmos.  But the building’s real centerpiece is its 850-seat lecture hall, in which the world’s foremost scientific luminaries can come to be mocked and derided by Georgetown’s cretinous, jeering masses. 

“Finally, this campus will have a devoted space for science faculty to present their latest findings and discoveries before the primitive, vitriolic outrage of pre-Enlightenment philistines,” university President John J. DeGioia said.  “This will truly be a world-class facility.” 

Fr. Thomas Shanley, a 15-year member of the Jesuit community, shares the president’s opinion: 
“For too long, Georgetown’s Jesuits have been saddled with outdated breaking wheel and iron maiden technology that lags far behind the current state of the art,” Shanley said.  “In a rapidly changing world, that just won’t do.  I can honestly say that the Barberini Center is a place I’d be proud to have an auto-de-fé.”   

Some critics, however, have cautioned that Georgetown still has a long way to go before its anti-science programs are on par with those of peer institutions.  

“If you listen to what applicants say about Georgetown, it’s that we’re great at humanities and social sciences, but way below average when it comes to suppression of rational thought,” Dean of Admissions Charles A. Deacon said.  “The [Barberini] Center is a good start, but this school still can’t compete for the best and brightest students who want to be force-fed religious doctrine on pain of physical harm.” 

Pre-med student Scott Rowley (Col ’11) agrees: 
“My friend at Notre Dame told me they have fanatical bonfire facilities in every dorm hall,” Rowley said.  “Right now, I have to walk all the way over to the Jes Res for one of those.  I guess that’s why we’re a safety school.” 
Despite these criticisms, the Persecution of Science Center has met with widespread enthusiasm from the school’s Board of Directors, which approved its construction on a vote of 36-1.   

The lone dissenter, Board Vice Chair Bradley M. Schaeffer, was later stoned to death in the parking lot.