Celibate Loser Decries Georgetown’s Hookup Culture
LEO J O’DONOVAN DINING HALL—Student and celibate loser Jake Connolly (SFS ’10) was overheard yesterday decrying what he called Georgetown’s “shallow, vapid hookup culture” in a long-winded explanation of his ongoing, 22 year-long dry spell. Connolly, when pressed to explain his criticisms, referred to his disgust at the tendency for “drunk dudes to makes asses of themselves hitting on random chicks. It’s just so demeaning to women, you know? You can tell they hate being approached like that. That’s why I don’t even try. I don’t wanna have any part in propagating such a messed up system. I could totally hook up with girls if I wanted to. My friends are always making me meet them at parties and stuff,” continued Connolly, briefly looking up from his Magic Cards, “but it just makes me really uncomfortable being a part of a culture so dependent on demeaning and interacting with women.”
“I had seen him in history class and I thought he seemed cool,” said Kathleen Vargas (MSB ’11) of her interaction with Connolly at a party this past weekend, “but when I walked up to him to see if he wanted to go somewhere quieter to talk he just all of a sudden started stammering and whispered something about how uncomfortable this must be for me. Before I could say anything he had disappeared back into the crowd.”
A recent Georgetown Heckler survey looking into student opinions regarding Georgetown’s hookup culture concluded that, of the 23% of students who self-identified as being “opposed” to the prevailing campus attitudes towards hooking up, 11% marked “religious/other moral” reasons for doing so, while another 8% cited “religious/other moral” reasons to hide the fact that no one wanted to get with their awkward asses. Just 4% marked that they had “legitimate” reasons to abstain from campus hookup culture.
Professor Howard Mankin of the Sociology Department outlined the decline in campus virtue: “These young people are running rampant all over the place, giving the University a bad name both among our neighbors and nationwide. These students who keep pretending to be above hooking up to hide what losers they are represent a blight upon Georgetown’s reputation and are, quite simply, driving away applicants. It’s people like Jake Connolly who are the problem. In my ‘Re-Examining Modern Sexual Standards’ class today, he raised his hand and gave about an 8-minute rant about how people should respect themselves and others’ bodies by slowing down or some bullshit. Seriously, what a puss.” Makin’s paper “What Drives These Self-Righteous Tools: Seriously, Will Someone Just Bang Them to Shut The Up For the Love of God” delves deeper into this growing crisis, and will appear in next month’s Social Science Conspectus.
As the Heckler went to press, Jake Connolly was last sighted nervously backing away from Annie Trumbull (MSB ’12) at a Henle party, sweating profusely while insisting that she “probably wants some space,” while Trumbull texted her girlfriends that she was ready to leave if they were, because seriously that party was dead.
