SAC Creates New ‘SAC Fund’ to Pay for Expenses Incurred in Not Funding Student Groups
The SAC Fund chambers
LEAVEY—The Student Activities Commission voted Monday to create a new alternative source of funding for the process of not giving funding to student groups. The “SAC Fund” is aimed at what SAC says is a grossly inadequately funded part of what their organization does.
“Everywhere I go on campus, people get in my face, hurl insults at me, and kick me in the [testicles],” said SAC Chair Yoshi Watanabe, who signed the minutes with a 24-karat gold pen purchased by SAC for the meeting. “I want them to know that we hear them. They feel that SAC does not get enough money to not fund student groups, and SAC feels the same way.”
The fund reportedly fulfills a campaign promise Watanabe made during SAC’s mysterious secret club election meeting last semester. Sources say Watanabe sacrificed not one but two goats to the SAC god Ftyurimeahow-how, signifying his warrior status and the beginning of a fuchsia period, which SAC lore portends as a span of change in the inner-workings of the club.
Watanabe’s competitor for the position, last year’s vice-chair Jennifer Rollins, went missing soon after the meeting.
The new fund has been financed with hundreds of thousands of dollars of surplus funds that have accumulated over the years.
“We were very reluctant to tap into that surplus, because one of our top priorities as a funding group is to see that money grow to disgusting proportions and never be spent on anything for students,” said Watanabe. “But in the end, the call for change was just to loud. We cannot continue to consider ourselves people who deny clubs funding if we do not properly fund ourselves in that endeavor.”
Though SAC voted unanimously to create the fund, the measure still must be approved by the body that oversees SAC, SAC.
One commissioner who would only speak on the condition of anonymity said she did not expect it would be easy to get approval.
“If I know SAC, and I do, because I’m part of it, those people do not like funding anything,” the source said, snapping the neck of a pigeon that had landed to feed on the packet of suet and caviar that the source was eating and which bore SAC’s logo. “Frankly, I don’t think it’ll even come to a vote, even though it’s something SAC itself created.”
The SAC fund is to be comprised of all current SAC commissioners and the group’s high priest. SAC designed a dark, solid-marble chamber for fund members to assemble in, currently under construction deep in the Leavey Center, sources say.
An advertising campaign is underway to promote the new fund. Large, professionally woven velvet banners hanging in Red Square this week warned students that they “WOULD NEVER RECEIVE CLUB FUNDING AGAIN!” An additional campaign is in the works for next semester that will attempt to suggest that a faint glimmer of hope still exists so that clubs will continue to come before SAC to be denied and not totally stop trying.
“SAC just wants to do what’s best for itself and what’s best for the University community, and that’s denying any and all groups their funding,” Watanabe concluded. “Finally, that glorious vision will be properly funded, praise be to Ftyurimeahow-how.”
