Straight-Talking Healy Janitor Gives Lonely, Jaded DeGioia New Lease on Life

DeGioia "didn't know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon," Dawes said.

HEALY—With his combination of folksy aphorisms, hard truths, and simple kindness, Healy Hall janitor Wilmer Dawes has injected fresh optimism into Georgetown University President Jack DeGioia’s previously wilting life, according to sources in the President’s Office.

Dawes reportedly first came to DeGioia’s attention one late night in mid-September, when the University president was studying financial statements regarding Georgetown’s endowment, which has seen a precipitous decline in its value in the previous year.   Dawes, who was emptying the trash cans in the office, took notice of DeGioia as the administrator slid beads back and forth across an abacus and scratched his head, staring blankly at the pages, which turned out to be a coloring book DeGioia on which had scribbled random numbers.

“I may not know much about portfolios and investments and whatnot,” Dawes reportedly told the highly paid but unhappy University administrator. “But I do know that it takes pennies to make dollars and it’s better to go to heaven in rags than to hell in embroidery.”

“By the way, my name is Wilmer Dawes, but you can call me Willie,” Dawes added with a reassuring nod and smile, then ambled out of DeGioia’s office.  DeGioia let out a shriek, Dawes being the first human being in over five days to say a word to him.

According to staffers in the President’s Office, DeGioia feels Dawes is the first person at Georgetown to take him seriously in years, and he no longer listens to any other adviser.  DeGioia has even taken to dressing up like Dawes and is often seen pushing a toy vacuum cleaner around or carrying a bottle of cleaner, even on University business trips.  When asked for an explanation, DeGioia said, “If dogs’ prayers were answered, bones would rain from the sky.”

Administrators in University Facilities have no record of Dawes’ employment at the University.  According to Vincent Russell, the superintendent for Healy Hall and Dawes’ immediate supervisor, the custodian just showed up in spring of 2004 and has been cleaning the building every since.

“Money’s not important to Willie,” Russell said.  “It’s the bigger things in life that matter to him.  And hell, now I’m getting Healy cleaned for free.”

Staffers say DeGioia has been more spry and lively than ever since he started conversing with Dawes.

“Jack used to come in every morning with bags under his eyes and barely a hello for anyone before locking himself in his office all day,” Erik Smulson, DeGioia’s chief of staff, said.  “Now he comes into the office with a spring in his step, not a care in the world, spitting chewing tobacco into the front pocket of his overalls just like Willie.”

“It’s always ‘Willie says this’ or ‘Willie said that,’” said Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson.  “But as long as that magical janitor makes him happy, I couldn’t care less about how many Appalachian proverbs I have to hear in a single day.  Because, really, Jack’s never said a single thing that meant anything.  But yes, if you’re wondering, I have tried to establish a relationship with my own janitor in the Leavey Center, but he just wants to talk about all the sex offenses he’s committed over the years.”

Dawes has made an impact on DeGioia’s speaking style as well.  When introduced to speak about the recent hate crimes around campus on Wednesday, DeGioia walked up to the microphone with a banjo and tried for 15 minutes to pick out “Happy Birthday” before giving up, telling the audience that “Meemaw always used to say if a frog had side pockets, he’d carry a handgun,” and leaving.

Despite all this, when asked about his impact on DeGioia, Dawes has downplayed the role he’s played in changing the President’s mood.

“Don’t make no mind of me,” Dawes said.  “I’m just an old man with a mop, a bucket, and a few stories to tell.”

“A person who gets all wrapped up in himself makes a mighty small package,” the wise facility worker added, slowly mopping Healy’s first floor hallway.