Problem of God Turns Out to Be Dumb Girl’s Incessant Questions

Jessica McCarthy (SFS ’13), the problem of God

WALSH—The solution to Georgetown’s traditional freshman “Problem of God” course was discovered this past Friday morning after more than a decade of fruitless searching.  Initial reports indicate that Keith Vincent, a freshman in the College, solved the problem towards the end of Fr. Michaels’ lecture on St. Thomas Aquinas, when “this one girl at the front would not shut up,” according to Vincent.  Following a trail blazed by years of theological analysis and introspection by some of Georgetown’s brightest scholars, Vincent was finally able to identify the girl’s “dumb-ass questions” as the true problem of God.

Witnesses describe seeing Vincent take on an “otherworldly glow,” and a “look of triumph” as the girl, Jessica McCarthy (SFS ’13), approached Michaels for the third time that week to ask if the final was cumulative.

“Keith was in the presence of the Holy Spirit,” said Michaels.

“In that moment it all seemed so clear to me,” said Vincent.  “I have to walk all the way from Walsh to Reiss in ten minutes after class ends and her Goddamn questions are always making me late.”

Vincent interrupted McCarthy mid-question, announcing to the class the solution to the problem of God as the roof of Walsh flew up into the sky, students in the class said later, and angels descended into the classroom, singing a triumphant hymn of harmony and delivering students into the ecstasy of providential knowing.

After the angels departed and people were able to compose themselves once again, students discovered a miracle had occurred: Walsh now had wi-fi access.

Though Father Michaels acknowledged that Vincent had never displayed any particular theological aptitude prior to his revelation, and is, in fact, “kind of a douche,” he wholeheartedly embraced Vincent’s discovery.  “Jesus Christ that girl was annoying,” remarked Michaels. “And who am I to argue with the Holy Father?”

Religious scholars have confirmed the validity of Vincent’s solution, many citing Psalm 99’s command to “Remember, O servant of The Lord, fear not the nonsense born of the maiden’s final examination pangs, for The Lord art the true final examination, and he can’t stand that shit,” a biblical message that has been illuminated for the first time.

Leaders of the world’s three major monotheistic religions put out statements of peace over the weekend, finally reconciling differences over doctrine and interpretation with the knowledge that humans can eradicate evil and all get along if the world comes together to follow God’s directive to rid itself of people who try to show off by asking a bunch stupid questions that get on everybody’s nerves.

Vincent’s revelation marks the conclusion of the Problem of God course at Georgetown, ending a decades-long tradition celebrated as transformational by members of the University community in the guide for prospective students.

Michaels and his fellow Jesuits see no point in continuing the course now that the answer has been found.  “We’ve been trying to get this answer out of these ungrateful little bastards for years, and all along the solution was just to get the real annoying ones to shut up.  There’s absolutely no conflict or lack of understanding in the subject now.” said Michaels’ colleague Father Brown.  “Guess there’s nothing left to do but look solemn and use our frail, withered frames to remind students of their mortality and the inexorable march of time.”

According to an anonymous University source, plans are already in place to replace the course with what is hoped will become a new rite of passage for Georgetown freshmen.  “We hope that just as students once searched deep within their souls to identify the ‘Problem of God,’ Georgetown’s next generation will search deep within its loins to identify the ‘Problem of Jack DeGioia’s Sexy Bod,’” said the source as pieces of sloppy joe cascaded down his portly frame.