FROM THE EDITOR: How to Express Your Homophobia Legally

I suppose it was just a matter of time before we saw another slew of hate crimes. University life is cyclical. Autumn arrives and the lively green trees that greeted us at the beginning of the semester soon turn fiery and let go of their leaves. Spring breaks through the winter chill with the return that jizz smell from the trees around Red Square and streams of disheveled girls performing the walk of shame through campus. And just as the basketball team is bad, then good, then bad again, hate crimes seem to wax and wane around here. Hate crimes are as much a part of Georgetown as Fr. Schall or racist newspapers.

Most liberals believe speech will always find a way of breaking the surface, no matter how much it is suppressed. I tend to agree with them. Homophobia always finds an outlet.

But if you want to express your homophobia, it’s important not to be so rash as to make it a hate crime. That sort of thing can land you in jail. So in the interest of my fellow, homophobic students, I offer the following solutions:





Shout Things That Aren’t Gay Slurs
If you can manage to refrain from beating them up, but you still have to yell at homosexuals who are walking by, just shout things that aren’t gay slurs. You still get the satisfaction of shouting things, but it’s no hate crime. Here are a few suggestions:

“YOUR BRAVERY AND INDEPENDENCE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL, HOMOSEXUAL”

“I AM INSECURE WITH MY MASCULINITY AND WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS IT IN RELATION TO YOUR HANDSOME SKULL, HOMOSEXUAL”

“ARE YOU GAY? HUH? ARE YOU GAY? WELL, IT IS REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEONE SO AT PEACE WITH WHO HE IS AS A HUMAN BEING, HOMOSEXUAL”

“IF YOU DON’T STOP BEING SO ATTRACTIVE, HOMOSEXUAL, I’M GOING TO FIND AN EXCUSE FOR MY HAND TO STRIKE AGAINST YOUR LUSCIOUS SKIN AND THEN GO HOME TO CRY AND MASTURBATE TO THE THOUGHT OF YOU”





Sing Gay Slurs To The Tune Of Songs From Rent
Gay slurs are less abrasive it you sing them to songs from musicals, especially a musical like Rent that grapples with gay issues. If you can refrain from violence (stage combat is okay), the hate crime is no longer a hate crime at all but rather a kind of performance art. Here’s a sample verse of hate speech set to the chorus of Rent’s “Another Day”:

You’re such a fag
You’re such a fag
I want to kick
Your goddamn face
I hate you fags
I hate you fags
And God hates you too!





Be A Persistent Objector As You Whale
If you have to shout gay slurs at the homosexual and whale on him, make sure you don’t give him the idea that the reason you’re beating him into a bloody pulp is he’s gay. Get the slurs out of the way first, then make up another reason to beat the homosexual up. For example, ask him what his major is. When he says it’s International Political Economy, say that you hate International Political Economy majors, and while your hatred of gays is a peaceful hate, you cannot bare to look at an International Political Economy major in the face without whaling on him or her. As you are beating the homosexual up, make sure to shout some angry things about how International Political Economy majors are an abomination and rape kids and are trying to ruin the institution of marriage. International Political Economy majors are not protected from hate crimes under current legislation. So it’s just plain old assault!





Find Passive-Aggressive Ways To Be A Homophobe
As a student at a Catholic institution, though, it’s best to follow the example of the always-peaceful Church, which is a beacon of hope for homophobes everywhere. If you feel really riled up about the gays, do something like stop caring for the homeless. That’ll show those fags!