Senator Bacchus Calls for More Wine, Revelry in Gaston Hall Speech
Sen. Bacchus (D-MT) emphasizing a point with a swing of his testicles
GASTON HALL – In a speech delivered in Gaston Hall Thursday morning, Senator Gaius Maximus Bacchus (D-MT) addressed the growing costs of orgiastic endeavors and called upon students to demand reform or face dire long-term consequences.
Sen. Bacchus was twenty minutes late for the scheduled speech and appeared off balance, his mouth shaded a purple hue, and appeared nude and wearing grapevine wreath that he has become known for.
“Friends. Countrymen. Lend me your ears,” said Sen. Bacchus in front of an enthusiastic crowd of students and faculty. “I stand before you today on behalf of the future. A future that is looking perilously sober unless we act now, and we act decisively.”
Sen. Bacchus has been at the forefront of President Obama’s recent push for festive reform, which has been criticized by both the Democrats and Republicans as unnecessarily ostentatious and frivolous in a time of deep economic recession. However, Sen. Bacchus has promised to increase merrymaking, inebriation, and intercourse as part of a new stimulus package to be introduced into the Senate early next month.
Included in the bill are a number of important reforms that Sen. Bacchus said would revolutionize the fanfare industry. Among the bill’s provisions is increased funding for federally mandated wine, the nectar of the Gods, as well as funding to aid the increasing number of Americans who are inadequately prepared for impromptu toga parties.
“One in three college students is covered by complicated and impractical clothing that can take minutes or even hours to remove. The bill I have introduced will immediately address this, increasing the number of people with less coverage,” said Sen. Bacchus as he plucked a ripe grape from his gilded bowl and slowly pressed it against his lips sensuously before pushing it gently into his mouth and closing his eyes.
“Oooooh,” added the senator rapturously.
Sen. Bacchus said cost cutting measures were a crucial piece of the government’s plan, especially in the midst of an economic downturn. The current bill incorporates the Franzia amendment, which Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) lobbied vociferously for, as well as the controversial André clause, which requires sports celebrations to substitute the budget sparkling wine in lieu of more expensive alternatives.
While many pundits have said that the bill will decrease the quality of orgies, Sen. Bacchus said that any diminishment in quality would more than adequately be compensated for in terms of quantity.
“In this country we have a two-party system,” the senator explained. “But two parties isn’t enough. Halloween and New Years are great. But what about Labor Day, Columbus Day, Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, Tuesday? Why not have wild, overindulgent fuckfests on those days as well?”
The senator added that former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s birthday on September 11th was also a missed opportunity for nationwide celebration.
Sen. Bacchus also countered opposition arguments, saying that the oft-cited statistic that “1/3 of alcohol consumed is unnecessary” is blatantly false.
“That is simply not true. Have you ever heard Bon Jovi when you’re sober? Jesus Christ, it’s fucking awful. But give me 12 Jello shots in a minute and a vodka power hour and I’ll sing ‘Living on a Prayer’ with the best of them.”
While most students seemed receptive to Sen. Bacchus’ remarks, at least one administrator strongly disapproved.
“Sometimes I break into the broom closet and run naked through it just to feel the bristles on my skin,” said Vice-President for Student Affairs Todd Olson as he lurked in the shadows and tightened the cilice around his thigh. “But I don’t drink. Oh no, I don’t drink.”
Opposition from buzzkills and teetotalers has held up the bill, which failed to pass before the August recess as Sen. Bacchus had promised. Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) has called it the “brainchild of a booze-riddled nymphomaniac, and challenged Sen. Bacchus’ repeated claims that “Plessy v. Ferguson” guarantees the “right to party.” The bill suffered another setback in late August when its biggest proponent Ted Kennedy died of a brain tumor. The day after the Massachusetts senator passed away, the Senate voted 95-2 to rename the bill in honor of Ted Kennedy’s heroic liver.
The hour-long speech was followed by a short question period followed by an all-out rager in ICC. Seven students and one administrator were hospitalized.
