FROM THE EDITOR: It’s Time for Students to Arm Themselves

Mr. Otto F. Foots, H.S.

Anytime there’s a crime on campus, you can bet you’ll read an editorial in The Hoya from some crazy guy who thinks we should all have guns.  This guy will slyly allude to the fact that he carries a gun everywhere he goes.  He will scare the crap out of you.

It’s taken me a few years, but I’ve finally come around.  The recent violence this past week proved the need for us to have guns.

Just imagine for a second that Alex Thiele hadn’t shot that toilet in the bathroom of McDonough.  And imagine that the person in the other stall that night was packing heat because he was an agent from another Big East team there to assassinate JTIII.  Thankfully, Alex was there to let this would-be assassin know at least someone at Midnight Madness had a gun.  But what if he hadn’t?  If anything, Alex Thiele saved our basketball season.

And what about that Cosi worker who was lacerated by a robber’s knife the other day?  If everyone had a gun, as soon as that guy walked into Leavey everyone would have pulled out their semi-automatic and shot him dead.  “A black guy wearing a Cosi uniform?  He must be here to rob Cosi and stab people,” everyone would have thought, guns blazing and flying through the air in slow motion.

If you really think about it, students need guns in everyday life.  Ever try to ask a professor a question during a lecture but you can’t get her attention?  Shoot her!  Ever get stuck in a long line at Wisey’s?  Shoot everyone!  Ever get drunk on a Thursday night and totally forget to write a paper due the next day?  Shoot yourself!  The situations where you need a gun are really endless, but you may not realize that unless you have a gun yourself.

Now, some people are going to say that guns are dangerous and will lead to an increase in violence.  But who cares?  As long as you’re doing the violence, having a gun is awesome.  What these people don’t tell you is the real reason they don’t want people to have guns is they know they’ll be a terrible shot.  But why should we care if they can’t draw fast enough or aren’t accurate enough?  Gun skills are like the most important skills on earth.  Get with the program or get shot, I always say.  I think that’s from Mighty Ducks.

I don’t believe, however, that we should let DPS have guns.  How lame would that be?  Us students having guns would put us back in power.  You know that stupid little douchebag white kid who always tries to act all big and tough to DPS when they break up a party you’re at?  Now imagine that stupid little douchebag with a gun.  Exactly!