OP-ED: Capitol Hill Better Brace Itself for Michael Grunwalt
Oh man, I can’t believe this is finally happening, I’m a fucking Capitol Hill Intern. I mean, this is it, Washington DC, the seat of power, the nucleus of the American government. I’m going to be right in the center of it all. Aww yeah, the Beltway is finally get its first taste of the Grunwalt.
Can you imagine what my friends must be thinking right now? I remember they laughed when they saw my homepage was daily kos. Finally I’ll be around other people who can appreciate the genius of my arguments against deregulation. I’ve got a flag pin on each of my suits, some kickass ties, and a totally sweet intern id badge. I’m working on the Hill bitches, so who’s laughing now. What are they in charge of, an Applebee’s? My hands are shaking with the awesome power I have.
Yeah sure, they’ll probably first ask me to lick envelopes or give tours or some stupid shit like that. Everyone has to pay their dues, but come on, there is no way anyone on the Hill knows politics the way I do. After a couple days, the staffers will totally discover my genius. I can totally see it now. The congressman will burst into the office saying he needs a speech about the economy, and fast! All the staffers will be scrambling, and I’ll just coolly walk over, hands in my pockets, and blow their little minds away. “Oh, a speech on economics? Why don’t you try this on for size? It’s called ‘Grunwalt on Regulation,’ a little something I threw together one Saturday night in my room at politics camp.” I can see their faces now.
I’ll be writing legislation by the third week, at the latest. I’ll totally be the Congressman’s right hand man, no markup session will be complete without my input, no 11th hour deal will go through without my guidance.
But that’s just the start, by mid semester everyone will know the name Michael Grunwalt. I’ll snoop around some files and find some dirt on the minority leader, then next time a seat opens up in Congress, BOOM, I walk into his office and throw that shit down. Next thing you know, I’m packing my bags for Nebraska and winning the special election with those classic Grunwalt campaign skills. That minority leader better watch his job, because I’m coming up fast.
Of course, I’ll probably have to keep somewhat of a lid on my political activities because my parents probably won’t let me drop out of college. But come on, how hard can classes be? I’ll probably just do some reading on the Metro and b.s. some papers at night. It’s not like they can teach me anything that I don’t already know.
Better watch out, Capitol Hill, you can’t say that you weren’t warned, because Michael Grunwalt is now officially a Congressional Intern.
