Linguistics Professor Increasingly Baring His Soul Through Syllabus

ICC—Students in David Lester’s Introduction to Language class are voicing concern and agitation that the adjunct professor may be using his course syllabus as a window into the darkened recesses of his soul.

Lester, who arrived 15 minutes late for his 10:45 class wearing a pair of wrinkled chinos, Reebok sneakers, and a corduroy jacket stained with a substance widely presumed to be either vomit or blood, began by hastily scrawling the class days and meeting times on the blackboard.  It was not until he began his review of the syllabus, however, that students determined something was amiss.

“He started off telling us how hard he worked on the syllabus, and how we had to take the due dates seriously because otherwise it would make everything a lie,” recalled sophomore Courtney Schubrein.  “Nobody could care that much about linguistics homework.  Nobody.”

The 38-year-old Lester, whose second divorce was finalized Monday following multiple allegations of his now ex-wife’s infidelity, further stressed that attendance at all lectures was mandatory, “even when you’d rather just stay in bed forever.”

Among the other warning signs in Lester’s syllabus were the professor’s “Aims and Objectives” for the course, which included “reviewing methodologies” and “understanding basic concepts of linguistic science”, along with less tangible goals such as “putting up a wall between ourselves and our feelings,” and “learning to live without human touch.”   Students were similarly surprised to learn that 60% of their grade would come from assignments and class participation, while 40% would be based on their ability to manage the crushing weight of failure.

Additionally, although Lester has previously stressed the importance of drawing a clear line between classroom and personal life, he nevertheless strongly urged students to attend his new “evening office hours”, which will be held off-campus in Lester’s room at the North Capitol Street YMCA.

“It was a little bit creepy,” said freshman Matt York, speaking softly and lowering his head to reduce the risk of accidental eye contact with the distraught professor.  “But I sort of get the feeling he doesn’t have a lot of visitors.”

According to student sources, the syllabus also contained an additional, final page consisting simply of the word “alone” written in large block letters across the paper.

This is not the first time that Lester’s classroom behaviors have inadvertently cast a light on his inner emotional state.  After being denied tenure last year, the professor reportedly taught class wearing only sweatpants and a white undershirt for upwards of two weeks at a time.  Moreover, his previous teaching position at George Mason University was terminated after one of Lester’s midterms asked students to write a letter to the Moore & Moore collection agency on the professor’s behalf.

“To be honest, I feel bad for the guy,” said Brian Shanlon (COL ’12) during a brief pause after a visibly sweating Lester excused himself to use the restroom.  “Somebody should really try to talk to the guy and help him out.  Not me, though, since I’m dropping this course.”

Reached for comment, Lester said he plans to prepare for his next class, a seminar on language and the mind, by crying impotently into a folded towel.