Administration Vows Systematic Changes after Missing GQ’s List of “25 Douchiest Colleges”

HEALY—Georgetown President DeGioia expressed “serious disappointment” in a press release Monday after finding the University left off GQ’s recent list of the top 25 “douchiest colleges.” “We feel GQ has made a serious error in judgment,” DeGioia wrote. “Providing the best environment for docuhebags has always been the core objective of our institution, and we will work diligently to address our whatever deficiencies this college ranker perceives in us.” DeGioia noted that Georgetown offers elite athletics, a well recognized business school, ridiculously high tuition, and other factors that attract douches from around the country and around the world. The administration remains confident that the new Hariri building, equipped special date-rape closets and other features for douches, will help attract more and douchier douches to Georgetown, DeGioia concluded, but he vowed not to remove his striped button-down shirt, pink shorts, and two pairs of baby-blue boat shoes until Georgetown is on the list.