Jesuit Defaced in Act of Vandalism

CAMPUS — University officials were shocked to discover on Tuesday that Fr. Henry O’Laughlin, a nonagenarian Jesuit and one of the most beloved religious symbols on campus, had been defaced in an apparent act of vandalism.

The 91-year-old Fr. O’Laughlin, whose stone-like demeanor and lack of response to human stimuli have often caused him to be mistaken for surrounding statuary, was coated in a layer of black paint by an unknown assailant some time before 2:00 AM Monday night. After being discovered by DPS officers at the same location approximately three hours later, the priest was scrubbed clean with high-pressure water jets, and had already been returned to his natural, off-yellow pallor by morning.

In a strongly-worded statement released to the university community this morning, Vice President for University Safety Rocco DelMonaco condemned the painting of O’Laughlin, whom he described as “among the most important religious objects on campus.”

“All acts of vandalism against university property are troubling,” read the statement in part. “That the target of this most recent incident was also a Jesuit makes it particularly concerning. As a Catholic university committed to interreligious understanding, we expect that all sacred items and spaces be respected.”

Fr. O’Laughlin, who joined the Society of Jesus shortly before the Second World War, first settled down on his trademark bench next to Healy Circle in the spring of 1978, and has remained largely motionless during the ensuing three decades. Over time, being photographed on the gravelly priest’s lap has become something of a rite of passage for Georgetown students, who have also taken to using the accompanying bench as a popular makeout spot during early evenings.

In response to Tuesday’s painting, which some have characterized as a hate crime, students have begun holding nightly vigils on and around the gradually eroding Jesuit’s body. The Knights of Columbus have also volunteered to personally clean and refurbish O’Laughlin free of charge should another incident of this kind occur.

Despite the public outcry, Fr. O’Laughlin himself has remained largely nonchalant about the incident. “Mighty frost comin’,” remarked the ancient clergyman, whose colorless eyes revealed only the inexorable passage of time.

“Damnable hell,” he added.

DPS officers remain unsure whether a link exists between O’Laughlin’s defacement and the recent wave of vandalism on campus, including last week’s bleaching of Fr. Thomas King’s moustache, and the appearance of a swastika on Fr. James Schall’s eye patch.