Three Surefire Ways To Pick Up Freshmen Girls

It’s that time of year again. The trees are changing colors, midterms are just beginning, and it’s your last chance to pounce on naive freshmen girls. However, if you are like most of us, the whole “I am a junior/senior/sophmore how about we make out” thing is not really cutting it. So, coming from a senior who has is always around the Yates track looking to twist his ankle at the right time, here are three surefire methods for bagging some young Hoya skin.





#1.
This first method is great for taking it to the next level after some solid light flirting.

You: So what dorm are you living in this year?
Freshman Girl: I’m in ________(she says her Dorm name).
You: Awesome, I was in ________(insert same Dorm name) too my freshman year. What floor?
Freshman Girl: I’m on ________(she says her floor).
You: No way! I was on that exact same floor too! What room are you in?
Freshman Girl: I’m in room ________(she says room number).
You: Get out of here! I was in room number ________(say her room number)! Wow! I would love to see the old room again and how you redecorated!

This method is great because if in the small chance she says you can’t see her room, you know where she lives, which is great for flower delivery, serenades, and stalking.





#2.
You: I am on the basketball team.

Now let’s not confuse this method for a secret password to make-out mountain. Oh no. This method requires commitment. Best results occur with non-sports-savvy ladies. I would also suggest investing in a pack of iron-on logos and two school-colored warm-up basketball jump suits. Jerseys are no good! Don’t be an idiot: If you’re on the basketball team, you don’t wear your jersey around all the time, especially when there is not a game for another month and you are in the library.

Those of you actually on the basketball team can disregard the above paragraph, as you can simply employ this line as an “open sesame” for jeans.





#3.
The Recruitment Event!

This method is not for the inexperienced and usually requires a team of like-minded freshman-hunters, but it can be the most fulfilling in terms of volume of hook-ups.

Step one: Publicity. Basically what you have to do spread is the word for an event in which a SELECT 10 freshmen will be selected to meet some famous public figure, or land an incredible internship/guest spot on the new 90210, etc.

Step two: Create an e-mail address with the name of the event (e.g. BeOnTheNew20210@gmail.com) and begin sending application e-mails using e-mail addresses from the good looking freshmen Facebook pages.

You will need to be prepared to spend some cold, hard lady-money on creating flyers and banners publicizing you event. Find a classroom that’s empty late at night and invite the top applicants there. Better yet, hold the recruiting event at your house.

After this point it is easy, just tell them you might need some extra convincing or that you need them to do some make out scenes with one of your actors (played by your roommate Steve).





There they are: Three surefire ways to hook up with as many naive freshmen as possible before they become bitchy sophomores. Happy hunting!