STAND to Hold “Darfornication” Fundraiser

CAMPUS — Students Take Action Now – Darfur, the Georgetown founded human rights advocacy group, unveiled its most recent ambitious fundraiser Monday. The event, known as “Darfornication,” will be held on November 15th at the Kennedy Center and is expected to raise nearly $15 million in relief funds.

“We’re really excited about Darfornication,” said STAND spokesman Richie Johnson (SFS ‘09). “Darfornication is about the two things college students are most passionate about: political change and no-holds-barred fucking.”

Prices for tickets range from $10-$50 and include an all you can eat buffet, mud wrestling, horseback riding, a certificate of self-righteousness, and, added Johnson, “a pill that stops your shit from stinking, which is something STAND has really been interested in since we first came into existence.” The event will also include an open bar. Seeking to maintain the theme of Darfur and the atrocities being committed there, STAND president Hal Ginson said the drink of choice would be “apple genocider.”

Students have reacted favorably to the event with many saying they can’t wait to drink, fuck, and bask in their do-gooding. “I haven’t felt this good about an event since 69/11,” said Meg Tiller (SFS ’10) referring the 2007 September 11th memorial held at Georgetown that encouraged students to perform reciprocal oral sex in order to demonstrate America’s unity with the world.

Others have reacted more skeptically, insisting that fundraisers were “pathetic attempts at ostentatious displays of generosity that are mostly self-serving and demonstrate a sad mental ethic in which individuals feel obligated to receive something in return for generosity where the overhead for the event could be saved and donated as well if people weren’t greedy fucks who felt compelled to dress up, drink, dance, and fuck while simultaneously basking in their own self-righteousness because it’s all in the name of a ‘good cause,’” according to one angry little man (COL ’09).

Still, others have said they’re glad they will get an opportunity to have a little fun and help out their brothers in Darfur, “I’m particularly looking forward to the all you can eat buffet. I think this sends a strong message that we’re not gonna stand for the genocide that’s happening in Darfur,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous because she’s supposed to be on a diet.

Expectations are high for the event, but Ginson said he didn’t think anyone would be let down: “If all goes well, we look forward to a stimulating night, both politically and sexually.”