DPS BLOTTER: Douche Collapses, GERMS Races to the Scene

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Jeremy Myers (MSB '10)

Wednesday, October 10
Lauren Ralph reporting
As sophomore Jeremy Myers (MSB ‘10) recalls the tale, “It was a night like most other nights, we were sitting around my dorm listening to a little Dave Matthews Band.” Brice McHampton (SFS ‘09) walked out of his room sporting the usual double-popped polo.  McHampton’s roommates told authorities that under the influence of “really wanting to impress this girl, “McHampton added a third polo to his outfit.  “Usually Brice tends not to wear this much especially on a Tuesday night, but I figured he just got done with midterms and needed to let off some steam.”  McHampton continued to pile on collared shirts in short succession. After donning his 11th and final polo, he collapsed on the floor of his Village B apartment from exhaustion and borderline suffocation.  “We just didn’t know what to do; he just keep putting them on, at one point Jared tried to switch him over to T-shirts but he was having none of it. We even tried hiding his loafers so he would have nothing to accompany the shirts with but that didn’t even slow him,” recalls Jeremy. At 8:34 McHampton’s roommates called GERMS, who arrived quickly on the scene. They proceeded quickly to cut through the layers of shirts with a scalpel but had to stop once they reached a pink Ralph Lauren polo, “It was just too risky” claimed GERMS member Lenny Farce, “We had already cut ruined a great deal of fine Lacoste merchandise and we knew this was most likely a very rare vintage shirt, costing over $300.”   Luckily the color soon returned to his face. McHampton thanked the GERMS medical staff and promised to take it easy from now on. A GERMS member at the scene told the Heckler why he believes the incident occurred.  “It was a simple matter of too much, too quickly. However, we think that the reason it got so serious was that he was mixing polos and oxfords, which is disastrous in almost all circumstances.”

Tuesday, October 16
Otto Foots reporting
Village C West student guard Taylor Monahan (COL ’10) called DPS October 10 to report a theft that occurred in the VCW entryway at approximately 3:45 PM.  Monahan said she witnessed a student picking up a copy of The Georgetown Voice, “and she put it in her bag, all cool and casual, like it belonged to her.”  Monahan was able to determine the culprit by browsing photos of the members of the “VCW OMG 2011!” group on Facebook.  DPS officers then visited the room of the suspect, Kelly Wong (NHS ‘11), and found her inside. Wong showed the officers the copy of the Voice issue, entitled Has the Gay Scene at Georgetown Changed Any Since We Looked at It Last Week and is It Any Different than What The Georgetown Independent Said It Was
Like?, which had been stuffed into her trash can.  According to Wong and the officers, it was just a misunderstanding.  “I thought that [the Voice issue] was a special section in The Hoya that I had somehow missed the week before.  I didn’t know it was, like, this whole other newspaper thing that somebody put out that belonged to them,” Wong said.  The DPS officers returned the paper to the stack sitting in the Village C West entryway.  According to Max Horton (SFS ‘09), an editor with the Voice, this sort of thing happens every once in a while.  “The Media Board gives us money to put 400 copies of The Georgetown Voice in each dorm every week, which we are supposed to throw away each week when we put out a new issue.  Sometimes, though, when we go to throw away the old issues, there are only 399 of them left and we have to report it to DPS.  We know people usually aren’t picking up a copy of the Voice on purpose, but we wish they would bring them back when they realize their mistake.  If they don’t, that’s considered theft, and if we lose money from the Media Board for every issue we don’t throw away ourselves.”

Thursday, November 1
Otto Foots reporting
Georgetown guard Jonathan Wallace (COL ‘08) awoke at approximately 2:30 AM and witnessed former Georgetown forward Jeff Green at the foot of his bed.  According to Wallace, Green was lying on the floor crying, wearing a witch costume and rubbing himself with $100 bills.  “I was shocked,” Wallace said later. “I knew Jeff was hanging around here a couple months ago, but I thought he got over that and went back to Seattle to start the [NBA] season.”  Green then noticed Wallace had awoken and stood up.  “How do I get out of here?” Green asked.  Before Wallace could respond, Green reportedly shouted “Happy fucking Halloween!,” mounted a broomstick, and flew out a window.  An officer patrolling the area for Securitas, Georgetown’s Ancient Roman police force, saw Green take off and flew off into the air in his squad car in hot pursuit. However, the officer could not follow Green out of his designated patrol area. “Damn, forget basketball; I’d bet that kid can play quidditch too,” the officer later said.