Vatican Accuses Jack the Bulldog of Violating Catholic Doctrine

Jack the Bulldog (left) and one of the cones

VATICAN CITY – After an extensive two-month probe, Catholic officials have determined that the conduct and lifestyle of resident canine Jack the Bulldog are in “serious violation of the Roman Catholic faith,” a Vatican spokesman announced Friday.

Jack, who has served as Georgetown’s official mascot since 2003, is accused of more than two dozen violations of Catholic doctrine, including the performance of sex acts outside the confines of marriage, the refusal to assert Jesus Christ as the sole path to salvation, and the theft and tearing-apart of cardboard boxes with what one Church official described as “an almost Lutheran zeal.”

“Jack’s reckless and amoral behavior demonstrates his belief in a religious relativism that is dangerous to the survival of the Church,” said Benicio Moriconi, spokesman for the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. “That such a willfully heretical animal should hold a position of prominence in a mainstream Jesuit university is an affront to Catholic education throughout the world.”

Officials first became suspicious of Jack’s behavior when allegations surfaced earlier this year that the bulldog had engaged in sexual activity with at least ten unmarried female canines, as well as a number of lampposts, stadium bleachers, construction cones, and the rigid leg of Fr. Christopher Steck, S.J.  Further investigation revealed that Georgetown’s mascot has been neutered, a violation of the Church’s stances against vasectomy and self-mutilation as forms of birth control.

“A dog of Jack’s stature should have known that such filthy acts may only be perpetrated within the holy sacrament of marriage, and that birth control is a direct violation of Catholic doctrine,” said Moriconi.  He added that the public licking of one’s own genitals is also “strongly frowned upon.”

The Vatican first contacted Jack in early August with a four-page letter expressing their concerns, and demanded that he clarify his position in writing and repent of his sins by the end of the month.  The bulldog, who possessed neither the mental capacity to read the letter, nor the verbal and motor skills necessary to reply to it, refused to comply with the Vatican’s request.

Jack’s troubles come soon after the announcement that theology professor Rev. Peter Phan is himself under investigation for writings that are contrary to the official doctrine.  According to Moriconi, this is the result of a new, broader policy within the Catholic Church.

“Pope Benedict believes strongly that the Church must extend its salvation even to those life forms once deemed beyond the authority of the Roman Catholic Church.  This includes canines like Jack, as well bears, dolphins, homosexuals, and Catholics of Asian descent,” he said, adding that this is “almost certainly” what Jesus would have wanted.

For his own part, Georgetown University President John J. “Spanky” DeGioia seemed to express support for the Vatican’s ongoing investigation.

“Jack is a bad, bad boy,” DeGioia told reporters on Friday, during a meeting at which the bulldog was present.  “A bad, naughty boy.  Aren’t you?  Aren’t you?  Who’s daddy’s bad little boy?  Yes, you are.  Ooh, yes, you are.  You’re such a bad little boy.”

“Oh God, you’re so fucking bad,” added DeGioia, as Fr. Steck glared in his direction.