University Unveils “Mission Accomplished” Banner at Dining Hall

CAMPUS – Kicking off a week-long celebration of “new and improved” dining at Leo J. O’Donovan Dining Hall, President Degioia flew in on a Medical Center helicopter and unveiled a “Mission Accomplished” banner in front of the dining hall.

After overwhelming student demand, the University took actions this summer to improve the quality of the dining hall, signing a new vendor, ARAMARK, and vowing to improve meal plan options and food quality.

“Today we have prevailed over the tyranny of mediocre food,” Degioia announced at a press conference earlier today holding a giant catfish nugget, the universal sign of progress. “The food here is so good now, I can’t even believe it. It’s just so fucking good now.”

Former director of the Central Intelligence Agent and current Georgetown Professor George Tenet declared the new changes to Leo’s, as students refer to the dining hall, as a “Slam dunk!” and added that he would stake his entire reputation and the incredible amount of “street cred” he has on the tremendous improvement in the quality of the food. “If the food there doesn’t taste like Tavern on the fucking Green I will personally go to the White House and receive another Presidential Medal of Freedom,” Tenet declared at a press conference earlier today.

The improved Leo’s now boasts two unique floors compared to last year’s two unique floors. In addition, on the upstairs floor there is a large buffet of fruit, vegetables and slightly rotten deli meats compared to last year’s large buffet of fruit, vegetables and slightly rotten deli meats. What’s more, dining officials have added an omelet bar, pasta station, and make your own pizza station whereas last year there was only a pasta station a make your own pizza station and an omelet bar.

“The differences are obvious,” said Maria O’Connell, director of the independent food think-tank the Cookings Institute. “I mean, yeah the food is exactly the same, but now there are signs and shit. Have you seen the ice cream bar? Last year there was just an ice cream bar, now there’s an ice cream bar with a big blue sign next to it that says, ‘Sweet Treats!’ That’s change, baby.”

Some have criticized the University’s approach, claiming they are failing to make the progress they had promised. “This is just a PR campaign to shut the students up, you know, dress Leo’s up a bit, send out an e-mail pretending to make all these changes while really they’re just staying the course and refusing to change anything,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous because he wanted his party approved for next weekend.

Meal plan options have also vastly improved, according to the University. As of now only O’Donovan Hall is on the meal plan, compared to last year, when there was only Leo’s.

President DeGioia responded to criticism stating, “These students are drunk and stupid. They are so drunk they can’t even taste the vast improvement in food quality. We need more party restrictions. They’re so drunk they can’t even taste the new catfish nuggets. Have you seen those things downstairs? Catfish nuggets! Who doesn’t like catfish nuggets? I just ate ten catfish nuggets. I love catfish nuggets! Catfish nuggets! I mean, come on! Catfish nuggets! They’re nuggets, made out of catfish. Spell catfish nuggets backwards, you drunk asshole.”