OP-ED: New Ice Cream Cup Policy is Genocide

Here we go again. First they were trying to limit our use of alcohol, now they’re trying to take away our ice cream.

That’s right, Leo’s has gotten rid of Styrofoam cups. “[N]ow, the cafeteria only benefits the cone lovers,” as Paige Morency-Brassard (COL ’11) told The Hoya last week, in the most eloquent statement uttered so far by one of this year’s freshmen. I, along with the rest of my kind, am in deep despair.  How can they commit this atrocity against us?!  In the United States of fucking America?! “Give me liberty or give me death,” said Ronald Reagan during the American Revolution, and he was probably referring to the liberty of taking ice cream back to his dorm in a cup.

ARAMARK is nothing but the Schutzstaffel, here to take away anyone who dislikes, is indifferent to, or merely likes as a friend ice-cream cones. Before long, those of us who are not cone lovers will be arrested by the Leo’s Gestapo and dragged away to the same prison camps that currently house this year’s alcohol-policy violators. Altagracia and Ripai will be there to brand ice-cream-cup lovers with their GOCard numbers on their arms, under the gleeful eye of SS-Gruppenführer Todd Olson. We’ll be tortured, treated as guinia pigs in weird experiements, and soon after, we’ll be sent to the gas chambers and exterminated. I’m saying that this policy is exactly like the Holocaust, if not worse than the Holocaust.

Georgetown’s alcohol policy and ARAMARK’s ice-cream cup policy are the two greatest issues of our generation. Kids our age are dying every day in this war, and we need a new direction. I know a genocide when I see one. I’m glad people are finally starting to stand up.