Nearly Born Again Christian Aborted

Last Tuesday, Matt Wilken, then a soon to be born again Christian, reneged on his commitment to Jesus and aborted himself. It was the first instance of a self-induced aborted birth, and one which many Evangelical Christians say is a slippery slope filled with brimstone and hellfire.

Wilken, 34, had previously been a lifelong Evangelical Christian, but had not undergone the symbolic “re-birth” yet. Evangelicals believe that a person must have an intense conversion experience, and be reborn in their faith in Christ. Those who are not reborn are not “authentic Christians.”

Leading Evangelicals have strongly criticized Wilken. Rev. Ted Haggard, the former pastor of New Life Megachurch, called Wilken a “raging homosexual who likely made his obscene and disgusting decision while under the influence of methamphetamines he had purchased off the street from a gay hooker.” Haggard added, “Shit, that was me.”

Dr. Leith Anderson, interim president of the National Association of Evangelicals, said Wilken’s actions were “probably influenced by a sick desire to engage in sodomy and bestiality.”

Wilken disagreed saying he had chosen to terminate his rebirth after realizing there would be complications. “Right now I’m just not responsible enough or fiscally stable enough to go through with this,” he said. Wilken added that his desire for anal sex with manatees was only a small factor in his decision. He called the allegations of his homosexuality “completely unfounded.”

Haggard insisted upon it though, pointing towards Wilken’s own words. “Manatee? More like a hot, sweaty, hulking mass of man in a little tee-shirt. That’s the kind of man-o-tee I’d wrap my silky man-hands around and just love in name of Christ, if you catch my drift.”

Protestors both supporting and deploring Wilken’s actions met on the National Mall yesterday. There were no survivors.