Georgetown Ranked 9th in Sex Appeal
Students ambivalent
The world of higher education has seen a recent increase in competitiveness since the 1983 release of annual college rankings by US News & World Report. To many, it appeared as if each year a new ranking or statistic –
relevant to some esoteric aspect of university-life such as average breast size or medical school – were on the internet or in print. It would be only a matter of time, some feared, until sex-appeal rankings made their first
appearance.
Yesterday, these fears became Georgetown’s crowning achievement as the first-annual sex-appeal rankings were released.
“Except for Pennsylvania girls, Georgetown is a very, very sexy school,” said an elated Hugh Hefner, whose Playboy corporation ranked Georgetown third in sex appeal, behind Orange County Community College and Wesleyan.
To cement future success in the sex-appeal rankings, President Jack- can’t be within 100 feat of Poulton Hall daycare center al la Meghan’s Law – DeGioia announced a new position for vice provost of sexiness.
“James J. O’Donell, our present provost, is a nice man. His dry comb over and Steve Urkel meets Harry-Potter glasses make him very sexy. But our new position among the elite of sexiness requires that we inaugurate a new provost of sexiness,” DeGioia told a team of reporters from The Hoya.
Candidates for the new post include luminary faculty such as former prime-minister Jose Aznar who, in order to compensate for his recent loss in the Spanish elections and notorious small hands/ small feet complex, has been aggressively courting Georgetown Visitation girls and GW Sorority sisters to prove his sexiness once and for all. A close second behind Aznar is former Hoya Basketball coach and, according to high ranking officials close to the basketball team, head coach of the YMCA intra-mural dodge ball programs for youth with mental disabilities, Craig Esherick. Neither Esherick nor Aznar could be reached for comment but a random student with no particular interest in the topic told The Hoya that, “In my opinion, Georgetown isn’t a very sexy school. Sure we have some fine ladies and a fray of fancy fella’s but sexiness is found in the soul, not the body. I love Jesus.” The student proceeded to wiggle his nose and fix his glasses.
Until the sexiness-post is filled, O’Donnell will suspend his academic post to deal with his new sex-role full time. Georgetown has no plans to fill the academic provost’s position in the interim. Even still, O’Donnell articulated his goal to integrate more sex into Georgetown’s academic and diversity missions.
“Georgetown, known for its strong academics but small endowment, can now use sex-appeal in recruiting smart, non-Pennsylvanian applicants of various races. Interracial sex, long a taboo, will further strengthen our commitment to diversity,” the provost said. He will begin recruiting Georgetown Visitation students with Aznar immediately.
