GU President DeGioia Evolves into Squirtle
He's creepier in real life
Georgetown University President John J. DeGioia, a previously unknown species of Pokémon, evolved into a Squirtle in his Healy Hall office Wednesday afternoon.
Billy McCullough (MSB ’10), a self-described “professional Pokémon trainer,” entered the Office of the President Wednesday and touched DeGioia with a Water Stone, according to DPS officers on the scene. The president immediately convulsed and evolved into a Squirtle.
University administrators acknowledged in a press conference Wednesday night that DeGioia was known to be a Pokémon when he was hired as the forty-eighth president of the university. The fact that DeGioia is a Pokémon was revealed to them in a mandated health report completed six years ago when he was dean of student affairs, they said. Administrators at that point immediately amended the Code of Student Conduct to include a violation of evolving Pokémon administrators with elemental stones in order to protect DeGioia and to protect the university from legal action. But the failure of the administration to publicly and explicitly disclose DeGioia’s Pokécondition before his evolution has caused controversy.
McCullough admitted that he had read the Code of Student Conduct before planning to attempt an evolution of President DeGioia. “Yeah, I saw the thing about evolving Pokémon, and I knew one of [the administrators] had to be a Pokémon. So I looked them up on Georgetown’s website, and I tried to find the one that looked like a Pokémon. Immediately when I saw the picture of him I knew DeGioia must have been a water Pokémon.” Administrators are still unsure of what disciplinary action to take against McCullough. McCullough, a freshman, is the first student ever to read the Code of Student Conduct.
President DeGioia’s appearance has changed greatly after his evolution. His height has been reduced by a whole foot and two inches, and he now stands at 1’8”. He also lost 220 pounds and now boasts a protective shell. His skin remains scaly, however its blue hue is now a bit lighter. Despite the changes, DeGioia assuaged concerns that his ability to conduct presidential business was diminished. “Squirtle squirtle. Squirtle squirtle, squirtle squirtle squirt. Squirtle,” DeGioia said.
Pokémon biologists were surprised by the revelation. Squirtle was previously thought to be a first stage Pokémon, a Pokémon that has not evolved from any previous form. The biologists say that with some training in battle against other Pokémon, DeGioia could eventually evolve into a Wartortle. DeGioia is known to possess Hydro Pump, an attack that he is reported to have used to break up STAND protestors that gathered outside his office late last year. Pokémon biologists said that he did not lose the attack in his evolution into a Squirtle.
The revelation of DeGioia’s Pokécondition also means that DeGioia is the first lay Pokémon president of a Jesuit university, a fact that has caused protest in Vatican circles. Pope Benedict XVI has yet to take a position on the issue, but insiders say one will be issued within a week, and it will almost certainly be against Georgetown’s Squirtle president. Church doctrine states that Pokémon are an abomination, that lay Pokémon should not serve in administrative duties in universities, and that Pokémon do not evolve.
Meanwhile, the GU Knights of Columbus have protested in Red Square the past two days, calling for DeGioia’s resignation. Georgetown Provost James O’Donnell, with bloodshot eyes and twiddling fingers, also called for DeGioia’s resignation at a press conference yesterday, but he’s boring and just wants power and like, nobody went to it.
Despite the controversy, DeGioia repeated his resolve to remain president, and he ended his press conference on a note of optimism. “Squirtle squirtle squirtle squirtle; squirtle, squirtle squirt. Squirtle, squirtle, squirtle squirtle squirtle squirt squirtle squirtle squirt. Squirtle squirtle squirtle,” DeGioia said.
