And Now, The Evening News

A group of animal psychologists in Sweden today released the results of a study revealing that if woodchucks could in fact chuck wood, they would not really make an effort sufficient to chuck all the wood they really could. The woodchucks, the scientists claim, would in fact chuck only about half of their daily chucking potential. This figure is considerably below the scientific community’s formerly anticipated maximal projection
of chucking production output. The same group of animal psychologists has proven that bees and dogs can in fact smell fear; a follow-up test revealed that fear smells like dead fish. What does this mean for the economy? Find out tonight…at eleven.

An out-of-work plumber under psychiatric observation in a Guatemalan insane asylum caught fire and melted to death this past Saturday. Although he called for help for several minutes, those treating him simply assumed he was suffering from a schizophrenic hallucination, and continued eating lunch.

A British mother and father attempted to drive their son to a local mental ward yesterday, saying the boy believed himself to be Peter Pan. Their plan failed, however, when the boy jumped out of the car at a red light, and flew away. Luckily, London police managed to apprehend him at the foot of Big Ben, where the child reportedly crash-landed after running out of fairy dust.