Paramilitary Marijuana Group Raids Darnall
NORML denies alleged connection
Ganjaweed fighters rallying outside of Darnall
Early Monday, Darnall Hall was racked with explosions as paramilitaries raided the Living Well floor. Hundreds were wounded and killed as the paramilitaries rode horses up and down the hallway wreaking havoc upon Darnall fourth floor, also known as Dar-four. The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) denied any involvement with the group, despite rumors of collaboration.
Dar-four was raided at approximately 4:20 am according to a Department of Public Safety report released today. According to the report, armed paramilitaries calling themselves the Ganjaweed entered Dar-four and immediately began smoking Living Well residents out.
One student recounted the horror: “There was smoke everywhere. The fire alarms were going off. People were screaming and rolling on the ground and rolling joints. Bongs were dropping all over the place. Bob Marley was playing. It was like a war zone in Dar-four.”
Brian Hargan (MSB ’10) added: “I was asleep in my bed and all of a sudden I smelled smoke. I knew something was wrong. And then, before I knew it, it hit me. It was so horrible. I…felt all…euphoric…and, oh god this is so hard, I…just wanted to sit down and relax…and I…my mouth was all dry…and…and…and,” tears were streaming down his ruddy, angelic face, “I was so hungry! Why did this happen to me?! Oh why?! I wish I had died that night. I think…a part of me did die.”
DPS reported that dozens of students were found “literally deflated, like in that marijuana commercial.” A few students were even found “stoned…to death.”
Several of the students are being treated for shell shock. Said Susan Jollip (COL ’09): “My friend was there when the Ganjaweed attacked. She hasn’t been the same since. Now she just lies around. We don’t do anything fun anymore. Friends, the anti-drug.”
The United Nations has been frozen in deliberations, unable to force through a Security Council resolution because of repeated vetoes by sitting member the Netherlands. Some have criticized the Netherlands as having a political agenda. Peter von Hoekandandernacker denied any political motives: “Vee sink zat ze Ganjaweed iz not so baad, yah.”
American officials at the National Institute of Health lambasted von Hoekandandernacker as a “petty criminal who knows nothing of the wickedness of the Ganjaweed’s actions.” David Hocks, spokesman for the NIH, explained the dangers of the Ganjaweed: “Each year, literally billions of people die from the Ganjaweed. It’s a fucking miracle there are even still humans on this planet. That’s how fucking dangerous the Ganjaweed is.”
Keith Stroup (L ’68), founder of NORML, denied insinuations that his group was supporting the Ganjaweed. “We support marijuana. Heck we even support dope, mary jane, reefer, pot, and even grass. But we have never, never supported the Ganjaweed.” Still, officials point out that Ganjaweed members have been spotted wearing green on white NORML shirts and driving mini-buses with NORML spray painted on the side. When asked about this, Stroup paused momentarily, drew a long hit from his gravity bong, and passed out.
Dar-four sits quietly now in the midst of Darnall Hall. The screams have died down, though smoke still billows from the windows, some say in the face of Satan, and the omnipresent White Castle delivery truck sits silently and ominously outside. Ganjaweed members have taken over the place and forever changed its landscape, creating a hellish nightmare of existence where individuals are free to do drugs.
The Georgetown community will never be the same either, evidenced by the recent addition of the campus group STAND, Students Taking Acid Now – Dar-four, whose headquarters are in Dar-four. Founder Jared Levins when asked if the Ganjaweed had directly led him to found the group, said, “There were bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing, intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out! The weasels were closing in. I could smell the ugly brutes.”
