Old McDonald Reported For Animal Rights Abuses

Ol' Mac's cock during happier times

Old McDonald, America’s favorite farmer has been caring for farm animals longer than most of us can remember. His animal’s sounds, from the “cluck cluck” of the chicken to the “moo moo” of the cow have soothed children for generations. But neighbors to the old farmer have recently reported a case of animal abuse. Witnesses claim to have seen Old McDonald beating his cock on the front porch, a display for the entire neighborhood to see.

Local President of the Book Club, and wife of a local farmer, Nancy Bennington was one of the eyewitnesses. “An udder disgrace, that poor rooster had no way to defend itself.” She went on to say that she “would never beat her husbands cock like that.”

As the chanting crowd outside the farm grows, this once quiet town echoes with the cries of animal activists. The crowd favorite “Let your cock go, Ee I Ee I O!” chant can be heard from the local highway over one and a half miles away. The chanting increased when a small child caught sight of the rooster, claiming that one of its eyes was “bloody and black”, resembling “a monster.” When asked to comment on his one eyed “monster,” Old McDonald could only mutter that his “cock had what was coming” as he disappeared back into his small, humble farmhouse.

The number of National news stations continues to increase with all cameras pointed at the farm, hoping for just a glimpse of Old McDonald’s freshly beaten cock.  “This has become the largest story in the nation,” claims David Webb, an expert in US news, “surpassing Paris Hilton’s DUI in Hollywood, CA”. When the Heckler asked Ms. Hilton how she felt about being the second largest story, she responded that it “didn’t bother” her. She claimed to “love that cock, and any other cock” more then her designer handbags and cocaine put together.

Liam Chatterton, a representative from the APA (Animal Protection Assoc.) said that they “are looking into the case” and have nothing to “officially report” as of yesterday. Some locals do still support Old McDonald and are sure that his cock deserved the beating. Local mailman Anthony Longo offered his opinion that “cocks need a good flogging now and then, it keeps them healthy.”  But no matter which side the locals take, everyone agrees with Nikki Carro, a small town real estate agent, when she says, “everyone should keep Old McDonalds cock in their prayers.”