OP-ED: Take a Seat, STAND. WALK is in the House.

Students Take Action Now: Darfur, revered by many in the social justice community as the leaders in battling the atrocities in Sudan, has been usurped by We’ve Acted Lately: Khartoum, say members of the now-defunct STAND.  The group has almost identical goals and seems set on challenging STAND’s supremacy on issues of mass genocide and incessant guilt-tripping.

Tensions reached a new high when WALK and STAND tablers found themselves locked in a “rumble,” as DPS officer Jordan Jones described it, over control of Red Square.  The two groups engaged in a WALK-off, in the style of the film Zoolander, each modeling their latest t-shirts that bore the courageous — and catchy — cries for justice in Sudan.

The situation, however, quickly devolved into a STAND-off and culminated in a near-deadly exchange of strongly worded letters, scripted phone calls, and megaphone shrieking.  Two Amnesty International tablers suffered severe hearing loss from the incident.

The leader of WALK, John Thyswaye, was saddened by the display.  “In the social justice community, this kind of petty, humorless infighting among groups that have essentially the same good intentions is just so very rare that it always comes as a shock.”

STAND leadership declined to comment as they were too busy TP-ing the WALK offices.  When asked to sum up the philosophy of WALK, Thyswaye paused and then, with a glow of acronymic triumph, replied, “ACT: Always Capitalize on Things.”  Walking as he spoke, Thyswaye continued, “STAND only makes you feel bad about yourself when you see their signs.  WALK is planning a multimedia blitzkrieg of guilt tripping.  If you don’t want to kill yourself to empathize with Sudanese when we’re through with you, we haven’t done our job.”  A peace has been imposed between the two organizations by RUN (Rwandans United… for Now.)