The New Iraqi Constitution: Protecting Iraqis from Themselves
Article I: We the People of Iraq, in order to form a more perfect Islamic Republic, do decree not to be Afghanistan.
Section I: I mean really, Afghanistan? They do mountains the way Bernini did plazas, just too much. We want… Oscar Niemeyer.
Clause I: Except for women. Yes, we shall consider the Afghan treatment of women for our governing model, and what a model she will be.
Clause II: And rugs. The Afghans do afghans like no other. Absolutely divine. We shall do afghan rugs and do Afghan women. Oh, we’ve made a funny. We won’t ‘do’ Afghan women. Well maybe…
Super-sub-clause I: And shawls. We’ll do afghan shawls because we’re Iraq, not Israel. We have style and that mysterious something that says chic yet Sheik, but not too much style. Form follows function; it is the Islamic way. Praise Allah!
Article II: The National Assembly (Mejlis Watani) shall protect, promote and pretend demomcracy.
Section I: The protection, promotion and pretension of democracy will necessitate the exclusion of candidates who do not love freedom, Allah or American Christian missionaries in the same way that Rush Limbaugh loves this trinity. The short exclusion list is as follows:
Clause I: The short list:
1. Ahmad Chalabi
2. Women
3. Afghanis
4. Afghani women
5. The Iraqi People
6. Not Not the Kurds
7. Quakers
8. Muslims
9. Secular Humanists
Article III: The executive power shall be vested in he or she (we kid, we kid… just he) who best demonstrates the Islamic virtues of Generosity, Gratitude, Contentment, Humility and a righteous rejection of OPEC.
Section I: What better way to choose an executive than by The Apprentice: Iraq, Islam and America?
Clause I: Executive elections, to be held during February sweeps week at prime time, shall be hosted by George W. Bush.
Super-sub-clause I: George W. Bush will hereafter be referred to as Kindly Uncle George, H.R.H. George II or Allah.
Sub-suber-sub-clause I: To better honor Islam, Allah will hereafter be referred to as diet Jesus. Therefore, by modus ponens, our Kindly Uncle George will also be referred to as diet Jesus.
Article IV: Articles IV through X shall discuss freedoms of press, speech, religion, etc.
Section I: Articles IV through X shall be suspended in the occurrence of an invasion or insurgency.
Clause I: Since women do not love freedom in the way that Rush Limbaugh does, and since they comprise 49% of the population, then 49% of the population is insurgent; this obviously negates the need for Articles IV through X.
Clause II: The New Iraq is dedicated to finding creative ways for protecting the Environment. Excessive use of paper degrades the environment. To protect the environment, all non-essential clauses shall be omitted from this Constitution.
Super-sub-clause I: The right of foreign troops to bear arms is an essential clause.
Article XI: As per our embrace of democracy, homosexuality and fornication shall be prohibited.
Section I: Exceptions will apply on casual Fridays when employees may wear flambouyant Afghans in the tradition of the late Sodom… eh, Saddam.
Clause I: Exceptions will also apply during insurgencies.
Super-sub-clause I: Afghans for everyone!
