SFS Faculty, Students Masturbate to Sound of Own Voice

A survey of students and faculty at Georgetown’s prestigious School of Foreign Service yielded obvious results last week, when it was revealed that an overwhelming majority of those enrolled in the SFS questioned masturbated to the sound of their own voice. It has been widely speculated for years that SFS personal receive sexual pleasure from foreign-language pornography, intercultural gangbangs and Map of the Modern World, but the recent revelations of autoerotic fornication comes as a new addition to an eclectic and growing list of masturbatory material appealing to SFS students and faculty. Anne O’Toole (SFS 07) explained that, “it’s not so much the sound of my own voice that gets me off, but the knowledge that contained in my own voice is more wisdom than any one person should be privy to. I’m not thinking about my words when I touch myself, but rather the ramifications of global warming on nomadic tribes in Tibet. That, and how fucking hot I am”.

Dean Bergman, longtime SFS staffer, understands that, “while students in the SFS are normal human beings just like Al Paccino or Ralph Malph, they’re far more gifted and have truly earned the right to talk themselves off into a wild and steamy UN-related climax. You’d be amazed how fulfilling it can be to hear your own dangerously intelligent voice tell you you’re sexy. My wife, she’s not bad. But when I need a quickie, I play a tape recording of a lecture I gave in 1993 on tax reforms in the former Ukraine and beat myself into transnational oblivion”. While most college students view pornography or participate in sexual activities, SFS students rarely take part in interpersonal physical activity. “We’re not asexual; we just know that no one else can live up to our own astoundingly high expectations” explained Sloven Darjarian. “Except Madeleine Albright. She could pork me any day, except she’s way too fat, her clip on penis is rusty, and I hear she has a pirate leg”. Not surprisingly, a much higher percent of SFS students and faculty are virgins, as compared to their non-SFS contemporaries. Asked why he had never had sex before, Prof. Antonio Oley defended his virginity. “I may be 54, unmarried and a virgin, but at least I know where the French Overseas Department of Guadelu is located, and that’s more erection than any one man knows what to do with. It damn near made my sex fall off. Poor frat boy bastards with their women and their beer don’t know what they’re missing.”