Living Wage Coalition Commits Mass Suicide, 26 Dead

Special to the Heckler

After a failed hunger strike caused University officials to call the Living Wage Coalition “bullshit,” 26 members of the embattled social Action group killed themselves in Red Square today. Passers by noticed the motionless bodies under the LWC tent and smelled something that resembled cyanide, but assumed it was just another of the group’s “death of immigrant workers” protests, or “die-ins.” I mean, those hippies have always smelled weird,” Cammy Windsor (COL ‘07) said. “I had no idea they were dead.”

An LWC member who forgot to lace his Coke with the lethal chemical Lauded his fellow group members. “I mean, they wanted to give the workers a better life, so they did what it takes. You gotta respect that, dude.”

A note found on the group’s leader provided LWC’s motive: “We, the Members of Georgetown University’s Living Wage Coalition, want everyone to know that we mean it when we say ‘we are prepared to go all the way.’ Some thought we were bluffing with the hunger-strike thing, but we wanted to show that we are not just liberal sissys.”

The University declined comment, but issued the following brief statement: “We won,” yesterday’s widely-circled memorandum said. Ernesto Garcia, a facilities worker, was unhappy. “I mean we were Thinking about joining the union but they [LWC leaders] told us we didn’t know what we needed.” “I think we messed up their hunger strike, too. I dropped off some pizzas that were left in ICC, they went crazy.”

Another student group, Campaign for the Ethical Treatment of Campus Wildlife(CETCW) now feels pressure to “step our shit up,” according to Marcus Wilmore (SFS ‘06), a group board member. “We hope we can live up to the example that was set by LWC,” he said. “We are considering a motion to cut off a group member’s finger every time there is an incident of cruelty toward our animal brothers and sisters on campus Anything less would be insincere to the cause,” he said.

Again, University comment was to the point. “Bring it on,” officials said.