OP-ED: Grow a Pair and VOTE: HARRY BALLS For GUSA President Because it Just Doesn’t Matter

This Wednesday, show your lack of support for the useless campus organization known as GUSA, and WRITE-IN HARRY BALLS for the presidency. Harry Balls has (seriously) been the third-place candidate for years running, and it’s about time he is voted in. We at the Heckler realize that each candidate is the same resume-padding, overachieving windbag who sits in the front row of political theory and doesn’t stop asking questions. A recent Heckler/Zogby poll reveals that zero of three people in my apartment knows who any of the current GUSA representatives are. When we attempted to reach the president for comment, we couldn’t because we don’t know who he is. And we couldn’t find anybody to direct us to him. So really, folks, what’s a new GUSA regime going to do? “Fix” housing? Magically replace the dining hall food with filet mignon, quail, and tiramisu? Personally stop crime on campus? Maybe they should patrol the Prospect Street Village A apartments themselves. Just pass a resolution to wear orange vests and carry flashlights. They can pepper spray trespassers and chase down the rapists. While they’re at it, maybe they should pass a resolution to make sure the basketball team gets a top seed in the NCAA tournament. But which seed? Maybe they should hold debates and send memos and read angry letters from students in the Hoya. Revise the bylaws and whine about elections; just like Bush v. Gore, that last election wasn’t fair. What will they do for us personally? Make the Heckler a SAC organization? Harry Balls would. Harry Balls would make sure Metro stays out of Georgetown on the weekends. Except to catch thieves burglarizing 36th Street townhouses. It’s not that hard; just pass a resolution that says MPD must do its job except when it sees snotty Georgetown students in pastel polos and flip-flops holding their dicks in one hand and cans of Natty in the other as they piss on a friendly neighborhood family’s Passat. Harry Balls would make sure each Georgetown student got a meal plan that included thrice-daily room service direct from 1789. And of course no student likes the fact that GUSA totally capitulated to neighborhood residents’ demands and gleefully placed SNAP under the authority of MPD. Harry Balls would waste no time forming the Students’ Neighborhood Organization of Retaliatory Engagement (SNORE). Did that nice old lady call the cops on your party? Harry Balls’s SNORE organization will firebomb that party-pooping bitch. Sleep tight, granny. Honestly, if you want some bureaucratic, elitist sob with a future of brown-nosing some junior member of the U.S. House who gets ignored by the administration, cowers before the demands of neighborhood residents (who, let me remind you, haven’t exactly been here since 1789), and does a sum total of jack shit for students, then by all means vote for the Spitzi-Swallow ticket; otherwise, tell GUSA how useless it is by WRITING IN HARRY BALLS, BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER.

Tune to WGTB Monday between 2:00 and 4:00 as we kick off the Harry Balls for GUSA campaign. www.georgetownradio.com