OP-ED: You Talk Like an Idiot so Get Out of My Bed
Since first grade, we’ve all had to experience those tedious English classes on rules of grammar with the teacher using those crazy words like “noun,” “verb,” and “participial phrase.” Well apparently some girls were far too busy feeding their Tamagotchis and playing with their snap bracelets to learn the essentials. I know some readers may not believe this, but I’ve met girls who can’t even diagram a sentence.
My first encounter with this dilemma occurred early in my first semester at Georgetown. During orientation, I approached a girl who lived three doors down from me on my floor. When asked about her interests, she responded, “I like to play field hockey, drinking, and when I dance a lot.” Immediately I was turned off by her lack of parallel structure and was unable to even finish the conversation before I returned to my room to vomit. I later discovered that she is in the nursing school.
Later in the year, I was discussing public transportation options with a classmate. In order to go to the MCI Center most efficiently, I was told to, “…take the red line because there’s less stops, and the blue line is further away.” Besides using a singular verb instead of a plural, she also used “less” and “further” rather than the more grammatically appropriate “fewer” and “farther,” respectively. A friend had to restrain me from slapping the ignorant wench like the rhetorically challenged whore that I’m sure she is.
The more I noticed these egregious errors, the more I wished I were deaf, or at least ignorant enough to disregard flippantly this rampant ignorance of our fine language. Fortunately, there are many possible solutions. One line of defense may be enabling our resident assistants to write up offending students. For example, one split infinitive offense would be treated similarly to a class C offense. A small fine may be assessed. More reprehensible language faux pas such as misplacing modifiers and failing to define a clear antecedent for every pronoun will be deemed class B and can warrant a fine or community service. The most severe violations will be defined as class A. These include poor subject-verb agreement, “southern speak,” and Spanglish. Penalties include loss of housing (not that you’re eligible anyway), grammar-based preregistration blocks, loss of financial aid, and expulsion.
II beseech you, fellow Hoyas, to join me in eradicating the lachrymose bastardization of this, our cherished language. To those who insist upon continuing to talk like a Goddamned fool, I implore you stay away from me, my apartment, and my bed. Take your supple bosom to George Washington, or, in the case of inclement weather, the Georgetown Southern Society.
