Campus Cannibalism Over Thanksgiving, International Students in Custody

In a bizarre and horrific incident over the long holiday weekend, three international students are left dead and two remain in custody after a bizarre cannibalism incident in the LXR dormitory. Initial reports indicate that the three students were allegedly killed and eaten when the group began to starve over the holiday weekend. DPS officer Darryl Owens laments, “When we found the bodies…well, there wasn’t much left.”

The students, apparently stranded at Georgetown during a “strange” and “surprising” evacuation of the campus, had no knowledge of Thanksgiving or its traditional festivities. With the campus emptied, the five international students found themselves alone and hungry. “Well, you see, the cafeteria gets closed up, then Wisey’s usually closes down on Thursday too,” notes Owens. “I guess they had nowhere else to turn.”

Other reports indicate that the heating vent in the LXR room had shorted, forcing the students to make a fire on the floor using dorm furniture as kindling. The students, cold, alone, and hungry, had not eaten for upwards of eight hours when the first student was killed, forensics tests suggest. “Cause of death seems to be a heavy blow to the head,” notes Sara Kilbert, a Metro lab technician, “something like a candlestick or a wrench…maybe even a biology textbook”. The victims were then flayed using a butter knife stolen from the Leo O’Donovan cafeteria, cubed, and finally stewed with rosemary and paprika over the large fire.

Metro authorities are still investigating the incident. Cannibalism is illegal in the U.S. although punishments vary depending on the situation. “Given the nature of this incident, I think it’s safe to say these scared little boys are going home soon,” comments a Georgetown representative.