President Bush’s Fish Resigns

Amid a wake of several recent cabinet resignations, Stuart, President George and First Lady Laura Bush’s one-year-old goldfish, announced on Friday that he will no longer occupy his post on the Oval Office desk. Stuart told reporters that since his purchase last March, he was always treated well by his owners, but never felt able to live up to Spot, the President’s dog who passed away in February. Stuart also felt threatened by Barney, the sometimes menacing, black terrier of the First Family. The goldfish told the Heckler of his plans for the future, “In the White House I heard so much of what Bush plans to do with the environment. I am going to swim across the country and warn my fellow brethren of the harm that will fall upon them unless they migrate north to Canada…and somehow avoid the downstream. I am also considering a career at Pixar.” Of course, where Stuart goes is not really the fish’s choice, since a White House security guard will be asked to deliver the former pet to his new environment.

Yesterday, President Bush praised Stuart for his good nature and consistently orange hue, adding, “Laura and I will miss Stuart, but we wish him the best.” The President and his wife purchased a new ferret, Snappy, to fill this recently vacated pet position. Apparently Snappy is making quite an impression on the President’s staff. Earlier today the “First Ferret” was seen running loops around Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld on the White House lawn. First Lady Laura Bush told the Heckler, “Whenever I hold Snappy, I think for just a second that there is an emaciated sewer rat giving me skin diseases, but then I look down at his cuddly face and realize it’s just our sweet little ferret who leaves hair in our bed and teeth marks on my ankles!”