J-Frat Converts

In a startling move Tuesday, Alpha Epsilon Pi President, Adam Bernstein (SFS ‘05), declares, “fuck this Hebrew shit” and reinvents the mostly Jewish organization as a branch of Jews for Jesus. Asked about his religious turning point, he commented, “their team just has a better mascot I guess; I can’t go anywhere without seeing their colors hanging on the wall. I mean, really, I don’t even think the Jews have a spokesman.”

Former J-frat member, Richard Zimmler (MSB ‘06) added, “Wasn’t their guy a king or something? That’s so badass. When I’m really rich, I think I’d probably like to be a king.” Secretary David Goldman (CAS ’06) explained his leap of faith: “I guess I just don’t look good in hats…and I really like the smell of bacon.” President DeGioia met with the remaining members and proceeded to baptize them all in a giant jewel-encrusted wine goblet on his desk.

Jews for Jesus was just a much better fit for the quality of life sought after by the Jew Frat. Not only can they continue to have money parties where girls make out with each other for no actual gain, but now they can do it in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. The Frat has also adopted a new slogan that they saw on a t-shirt reading “Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus.” Unsure of what this means, the JFJ Frat (as their new initials will read), can assure you that they will do their best to carry out this slogan in their everyday lives.

President Bernstein says the group will continue get hammered of three beers, count the tabs, and have sweet parties, all while nuking the gay whales for Jesus. In a related story, Father Michael O’Malley S.J. declares GU Interfaith “a huge waste of time.”