Fun Alternatives to Not Drinking This Weekend

1. Vandalism is a great way to spend a weekend night. This Saturday afternoon, instead of buying beer for binge drinking, buy eggs, toilet paper, and spray paint. Late at night, destroy as much property as possible, and spray paint gang symbols so that it looks like the vandals were minorities.

2. Drink! Did you know that 97% of Georgetown students drink? Why go against the grain? Conform! Don’t be gay.

3.If drinking isn’t your thing, there are a number of other ways to alter your mind and escape. Marijuana and crack are the least expensive, while heroin, though pricey, will change your life forever. Just go to Southeast DC and start yelling, “Which deservedly impoverished black or latino has my drugs? I’m an arrogant Georgetown student from the top rung of the socio-economic ladder, slumming in your disgusting ghetto because no self-respecting white person sells drugs!”

4.Drunk, anonymous, unprotected sex is a great way to achieve guilt-free pleasure. Just make sure you’re blacked out so that you don’t recognize your partner around campus, which is both awkward and embarrassing (when you realize how ugly he or she is).

5.Masochism, though slightly dangerous, is probably less dangerous than being a loser who doesn’t drink. If you’re too afraid to take a few shots of Bacardi 151, try cutting your chest or legs with razor blades. Remember: razor blades work in a sliding motion; stabbing yourself with them will not produce any pleasure because you won’t bleed. And don’t forget masochism’s twin brother, sadism. Torture and murder are all extremely fun and safe (for you, at least!). Just find yourself a stray dog and/or hooker.

6.Get a head start on those papers due next week…while out of your mind from a combination of ecstasy and anti-freeze.

*Don’t Forget: GHB spells F-U-N, Homemade drugs!: Absinthe, Whip-It’s, magic brownies, crystal meth

*Fun Fact: Did you know that 54 percent of female Georgetown graduates will never enter the workforce?