YEAR OF THE HECKLER: The Inaugural Year in Review
2003 was a year ripe with social, economic, and political turmoil. In all the madness, one literary beacon of wisdom shone through the darkness, a constant in a time of great uncertainty. It was not such respected publications as The Economist, Newsweek, or even Hustler who captured the nation’s hearts, minds, and souls, but rather a fledgling periodical known as The Georgetown Heckler.
On January 13th, the world of journalism was unequivocally changed. Soon after its initial publication, students and world leaders alike were drawn to the sometimes amusing and reliably depraved humor for which the Heckler has become renowned. Like many of its socio-political discourses, “Cafeteria to Begin Serving Asparagus: Students Debate Value of Tip vs. Shaft,” was cleverly disguised as entry-level penis humor.
The second issue of The Heckler established that its initial brilliance was no fluke. Billy Zabka’s stinging Op-Ed, “What the Hell are People from Foreign Countries Talking About” was a tongue-in-cheek attack on the arrogance and xenophobia of heartland conservatives. The clever social satire was cited by the Bush administration as a prime influence for proposed sweeping reforms in immigration policy aimed at easing some of the legal barriers for undocumented workers. “I was completely blind to the injustice and prejudice that immigrants face until [Chief of Staff] Andrew [Card] showed me Mr. Zabka’s article. It was both witty and informative,” said President Bush during one of several phone conferences with the Heckler staff. The magazine and staff are now consulted regarding most major policy issues.
Over the course of the year, the Heckler continually proved to be an extraordinary agent of social change. Two articles concerning reality television shows seem to be the sole explanation for their continued success. In fact, several Heckler staffers auditioned for spots on Average Joe, but were deemed too unattractive. The fashion world was not immune from this whirlwind of social upheaval, either. After reading Corky St. Clair’s fashion review, “Saddam Gets Serious About Looking Great for Spring,” the recently deposed dictator decided to grow out his beard, going for the I’ve-been-living-in-a-hole-for-nine-months look made famous by Jacobin Mugatu’s Derelicte fashion line. “The review was actually very flattering,” a made-over Saddam told his American captors, “but that damn beret made my face look fat.”
Speaking of which, when we last saw our founder and former editor-in-chief, he was Harvard Law bound, dreaming of a career as a lawyer for the homeless. Due to flaws in his personal hygiene, as well as a number of failed attempts to produce cheap, synthetic mayonnaise, Droms has dropped out of law school. He now works as a janitor at MIT, where his efforts at solving the mathematical proofs left in the hallways for grad students have repeatedly failed, reflecting his minimal grasp of seventh-grade algebra.
In short, it was a good year for the Florida Marlins, The Georgetown Heckler, and this ugly, weird guy upstairs who just started hooking up with a model. It was a bad year for Saddam Hussein, our former editor, and, apparently, the model who, for whatever tragic reason, is sleeping with Star Trek dude.
In closing, we at the Heckler would like to thank you for your support. Hopefully your constant loyalty will join the few undeniable truths in these crazy times: that every politician on TV, every neo-Nazi in the B-frat, and every moron in a Hummer is, and always will be, a shithead.
