DeGioa Calls for Castration of All Jesuits

Hopes to Avoid Future Lawsuits

Today, Georgetown President Jack “Giggles” DeGioa shocked a press conference audience when he called for
the prompt castration of all Jesuits employed by the University.  The seemingly unprompted plan, which Dr.
DeGioa has named “GU: The U is for Eunich”, is largely due to the recent outpouring of allegations against
Catholic priests across America.

President DeGioa spoke candidly and rather coldly in reference to the plan, “Look, this is strictly an economic
issue.  This plan will practically eliminate the possibility of future lawsuits against the University from students
claiming molestation or sexual harassment.  Plus, what do these guys need their balls for?”

Members of Georgetown’s Jesuit community reacted with mixed opinions on the issue.  Fr. Stephen Williams,
S.J. argued that the decree is both inhumane and contradicts scripture.  In response, President DeGioa sarcastically responded, “Hell, the Bible says a lot of things.  How can anyone keep track of all the stuff that’s in or out of line with [air quotes] Scripture?”

Other Georgetown Jesuits like Fr. William Karver, S.J. and Fr. Sean O’Brien, S.J. are resigned to following
Giggles’ order.  Said beloved Fr. Karver, “At least it’ll make bathing easier.  My grundle will be a lot cleaner now.”  O’Brien nodded his affirmation, “Yea, I guess we did take a vow of obedience and chastity.  So we don’t really need our love sacks. I… I guess.”