Angry Elderly Petition for a Georgetown Grand-Parents Weekend
Ethel Berman, 96, as frail as a cookie just out of the oven, was turned away from Georgetown’s rusty front gates this past weekend after attempting to pass herself off as a parent and gain access into the coveted Parent’s weekend. This rejection spawned an unexpected campaign to create a new arbitrary and unimportant weekend devoted solely grandparents.
“When I was your age we used to have much more respect for the elderly,” Ethel declared. “For my generation we made sacrifices for those older than us, who we thought wiser. But this generation, well they—” Ethel made some other comments as well, fiery ones with yip and zap, but unfortunately her general theme became a little too boring and the rests of her conversation cuts off there. For those readers who like stories that appeal to all five senses: she smelt like potatoes, her voice sounded like rain and her face looked very flabby like a Halloween mask. (Upon further questioning, which indeed proved unnecessary, she was not, in fact, wearing a mask and claimed to
“look young for my age.)”
The Georgetown administration openly listened to these complaints. Skip Molar, a highly ranked official commented, “We will certainly treat this serious complaint with our ordinary procedure. What is that? Simple, we consider the issue, reflect upon it for 5-7 years and then potentially make some sort of decision.” When asked if this explains why Georgetown seems to suffer from a collegiately uncharacteristic amount of flaws, such as the Yates Field House, Mr. Molar responded coyly, “I know you are, but what am I?”
Sure, old people seem to no exist in our daily lives. Some even say they may as well be shipped out of the community like in the “good old days.” Maybe, maybe. But contrary to evidence on campus: These people do exist. And, also, there are a lot of them. Also, they can band together quickly, like they have over this crucial issue.
In short, if you see an elderly picketing in red-square, relax, smile and just walk by quickly. And, more importantly, if you see a high ranking member of the administration feel free to get this member in a super-headlock and tell him “I would very much enjoy a Grand-Parents Weekend”. Because we all know that more special weekends means more free food. Amen.
