Freshman’s Parents Don’t Go Back Home
Helen and Jack Reynolds, mother and father of new freshman, Jeff, decided last Sunday not to return to their home in New Hampshire. The Goodbye Lunch was apparently not enough for the anxious parents to part ways with their firstborn. Luckily Jeff and his roommate, Peter Morris, had bought a futon for their New South dorm room before Jack and Helen moved in for the semester. The two younger Reynolds children will be moving in with their grandparents by request of New Hampshire social services. Mrs. Reynolds told the Heckler, “We just want to get Jeff on his feet, and then it’s back to New England.”
It’s been four weeks since then, and the couple seems to be content sticking around, not keeping a low profile in the least. The couple has christened the hallway on the 3rd floor of New South with profuse vomiting after a “wicked rugby party,” as Jack described it. Helen had been rowing for the Women’s Crew team in the beginning of the semester, but was cut recently as her oncoming menopause has led to several angry boat sinking incidences. Jeff’s mother defended herself saying, “Those princesses don’t want it. You have to want it to make it out there. Don’t they know that, dammit?!”
Jack Reynolds, former insurance mogul of New Hampshire, now frequents the Henle fishbowl three nights a week, in the hopes of finding “some talent”, as any male with decades of experience in the business world might describe the looks of the women on campus. Clearly things are different than when Jack was in college. The other night he threatened to put his “dukes” up in an altercation at a crowded keg.
Jeff, their son, has become known as “the guy with the parents” around campus. Petrified and hating life, the freshman agreed to talk to the Heckler about his interesting situation. “I don’t know, I mean my dad was always talking about how he wished he was in college again and everything, but I never thought it would go this far.” Jeff added, “How would you feel if your mom was walking back from the showers wearing just a towel, flirting with the baseball players a few doors down?” Not good, Jeff. Not good at all.
