Fraudulent enthusiasm on campus sky rocketed to a near all-time high this past week as New Student Orientation greeted incoming freshmen and transfers with four days of activities and events exhibiting an entirely false sense of student pride for Georgetown University. This year’s NSO, themed “Georgetown Fucking Rules”, comes as the result of over a... »
Archive for September, 2003
NSO Successfully Deceives Incoming Students
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Georgetown Heckler Staff Agrees: Georgetown Heckler Best Campus Publication
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
In an informal poll taken at a recent Georgetown Heckler meeting, attendees agreed that the Heckler was, in fact, the most awesome publication distributed at Georgetown University for yet another year in a row. Rumors had circulated prior to the meeting that another publication may be in fact more awesome this year,... »
Heckler Founder Struggling With Transition to Real World
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Sources close to Georgetown Heckler founder Justin Droms report that the former editor is having trouble adjusting to post-college life. Jobless and lonely, the Hoya legend known as Corky St. Clair has returned home where his mother makes his bed every day. On weekends she makes him French toast shaped like kegs. Despite... »
DeGioia Names Father of Multi-Millionaire Teenage Twins Interim Vice-President of Student Affairs
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Dr. Todd Olsen, alumni of Yale’s School of Graduate Education, has been appointed to the position of interim Vice-President of Student Affairs at Georgetown University. He and his wife Lonny were notified in early August that the selection committee of sophomore males assigned to replace Dr. Juan Gonzales had chosen him as their... »
Freshman’s Parents Don’t Go Back Home
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Helen and Jack Reynolds, mother and father of new freshman, Jeff, decided last Sunday not to return to their home in New Hampshire. The Goodbye Lunch was apparently not enough for the anxious parents to part ways with their firstborn. Luckily Jeff and his roommate, Peter Morris, had bought a futon for... »
GU Male Quotes Movie Old School in its Entirety
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
A GU senior amazed friends and onlookers at the last NSO party of the new school year by quoting the movie Old School, all of it. Timmy Conway (COL ‘04) recounts, “Well, I think it all started when I drank a beer and said something like ‘it tastes so good when it... »
The Georgetown Voice Introduces Fallopian Tube Humor to Compete with The Georgetown Heckler
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Recognizing The Georgetown Heckler’s monopoly on penis humor, the Voice has initiated an initiative to capitalize on the market’s lack of fallopian tube humor. In a press conference attended by nobody, Voice spokesman Brandon Sloane announced the decision: “Although the penis is a funny subject, we feel that the long slender tubes from which... »
Former Heckler Writers Have Had Enough
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
Startling news was made Monday afternoon in Washington, DC that would ultimately determine the future of former, graduated Heckler writers. After nearly two months of horrible luck and depression that ensued since their graduation in May, the former writers for the sometimes popular humor newsletter (who are we kidding, we were neither popular... »
