OP-ED: Bungee Jumping Is Today's Version of Natural Selection

With the advent of modern medicine, the availability of a nutritious diet, and our relatively danger-free lives, Darwin’s theories about evolution seemed to be all but obsolete in the twentieth century…until a few tie-dyed douche bags decided to start jumping off bridges with huge rubber bands tied around their ankles. That’s right, folks: bungee jumping is just today’s form of natural selection – it weeds out the stupid.

It’s very apparent that the physical necessities for leading a long and happy life are readily available, especially for us well-to-do students here at Georgetown. So, it’s no surprise, then, that the most relevant weakness in our species is stupidity. I’ve done the research, and there is nothing more completely idiotic than trusting a rubber band to save your life. Maybe Oprah – she’s idiotic – but that’s not the point.

“But bungee jumping is a huge rush, man,” some might say. And to those people I say, “fuck you, stupid.” If you have to throw yourself off of a goddamn bridge to enjoy yourself, then you either want to die or deserve to die. Either way, you’re an imbecile. I think Darwin would agree – if you are dumb enough to jump off of a bridge for a “rush” just because your job at Blockbuster isn’t fulfilling enough, then chances are, you don’t deserve to be a part of our species.

But, this is a good thing for humankind and the formula is easy to follow: assholes that jump off of bridges are stupid. Conversely, those who have enough common sense to not jump off of bridges are less stupid. So, bungee-jumping assholes will eventually faze themselves out of existence because their brains are clogged with too much bong resin to realize that a 100-foot rope is a “bummer” when you’re jumping off a 75-foot bridge. Hence, natural selection. We lose the stupid people to bungee jumping, and us non-stupids can go on procreating.

Now pass me a beer and the car keys.